Fiction Stranger Than Truth Stranger Than Fiction

“’Tis strange— but true; for truth is always strange,
Stranger than fiction: if it could be told,
How much would novels gain by the exchange!
How differently the world would men behold!”

—Lord Byron, Don Juan, Canto XIV

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Absence, Hearts, Fondness etc.


Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

For those who pop in, you've noticed I haven't had a story up since early August.

I've been busy with a new job.

The blog is not kaput however, and I'll try to have a new story up in October. Updates will probably be monthly (at best) until the new year.

Be watchful in the meantime.

I leave you with this clue of what's to come:


"Surprise!"

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Worth of Water

[Disclaimer: This story will probably make you thirsty]



The Truth (via NASA)

"Laboratory tests aboard NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander have identified water in a soil sample. The lander's robotic arm delivered the sample Wednesday to an instrument that identifies vapors produced by the heating of samples.

'We have water,' said William Boynton of the University of Arizona, lead scientist for the Thermal and Evolved-Gas Analyzer, or TEGA. 'We've seen evidence for this water ice before in observations by the Mars Odyssey orbiter and in disappearing chunks observed by Phoenix last month, but this is the first time Martian water has been touched and tasted.'"


***

Terraforming other planets has been a staple concept of sci-fi and speculation for ages. The underlying problem is not generally the technology, but the idea of a globally unified effort to take on such a massive project. With news of water on Mars and other such wet dreams of terraformers and "space activists" I got to thinking that in the case of space politics (and politics in general) the simplest solution is usually the most selfish. So I was amusing myself with the various self-indulgent things planet Earth's ultra-rich could do with precious Mars water, and out of that popped this story.


***

The Fiction

The Worth of Water



"Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink."

— The Rime of the Ancient Mariner



"
Water flows uphill towards money."

—Anonymous


The news was held in escrow like a fat lump of water welled up in a cartoon hose. It was on the lips of everyone who’d heard the rumour. The rumour leaked on the blog of a Triton wet lab technician in Pasadena. Bowie had been right. 70 days on Mars and the lander had found water. The possibilities orbited the office coolers of the world like cosmic debris. Did water = life?

NASA project leader Colonel Harry Hahn Olsen reined in his scientists and gave an official statement to put an end to speculation.

“We don’t want to comment on Triton’s findings until the results are indisputably agreed upon by our core of scientists,” he told reporters at the University of Arizona’s press gallery. “We don’t want any wild speculation before the data is shown to be empirically sound.”

“So are you saying the Triton lander’s equipment is unreliable?” asked a skeptical reporter from the Phoenix Sun-Times.

“Not at all,” said the Colonel. “Next question. Yes, over here.”

“Colonel Olsen, Allison Greenberg, Associated Free Press. How do you respond to criticism of NASA’s information hierarchy? Doesn’t the public have the right to know what’s going on in space?”

“Allison, I can only respond by saying that we have a committed interest to the truth of the cosmos and that truth is a tenuous one. Let us not forget the tragedy of Hwacha I, the South Korean spacecraft that fell victim to cosmic rays, all at the hands of bad planning and flow of information.”

The Colonel ran a hand through his cropped white hair.

“Due diligence is the price of space exploration, and hope is something we want to give to people in these troubled times. It is not something to be thrown around callously like rice at a Haitian wedding. If there’s water on Mars, you’ll hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. That will be all. Good-day.”

Colonel Olsen turned his back on a roar of questions and flashes.

“If it wasn’t for that son-bitch in the wet lab this would be as clean-cut as a Winchester crop circle,” thought Olsen as he walked to his waiting car.

The truth of the matter was that there was water on Mars. The Triton lander had long ago confirmed samples in the soil of a Martian gulch no bigger than a suburban flowerbed. But they had known this for quite some time. The wet lab technician who had blown the whistle on his unauthorized blog was causing PR hell for what was supposed to be a routine mission that nobody cared any more or less for than a meteor shower. Space travel was boring and NASA liked it that way. The people could see wilder, more exciting images of the celestial heavens on green screens. This was also not an accident. There was water on Mars all right, and Triton was there to harvest it.

This was lost on everyone but the most polished brass. It was certainly lost on Gil Fountain, a water waiter at the affluent Nép Bistro in New York City. Gil poured lagoon water from Fiji into crystal glasses for people with more money than brains. He loved to look at the stars and imagine each light hanging up there could support a big, wet planet that hadn’t bunged things up so badly.

“Space is the place,” Gil told one of Nép’s dishwashers. “The place where everything will balance out. I tell ya, we can start fresh, amigo. Tabula rasa. Money and war can have this ol’ rock, and I’ll be up there on Mars, happy as a goldfish.”

“Goldfish have, like a five second memory,” said the dishwasher, scrubbing white truffle oil off a salad plate.

“Happy as a goldfish,” Gil repeated with a big grin on his face.

“Fountain!” yelled the headwaiter, snapping Gil out of his trance. “We’ve got a Rockefeller with a glass half empty at table six.”

“Or is it a Rockefeller with a glass half full?” asked Gil, grinning.

“Just get out there and fill the fucking glass.”

As Gil was topping off the Rockefeller, Colonel Olsen was in a room in NASA that wasn’t on the tour. Sitting with him around an oval table was the University of Arizona’s head scientist for the Triton Mission, US Representative Erwin N. Goins, Greek shipping magnate Ares Stavropoulos, and Ivana Ivanovna, an executive lieutenant of the Russian Fenya Corp.

“Friends, it seems the estimates were even better than anticipated,” Olsen told the room. “At the base of Elysium Mons we’ve registered at least fifteen gallons.”

“Gawdamn!” yelled Goins and slapped his hands on the table. If he’d had pistols he might have fired them into the air. “So what’s the split?”

The bronzed, coconut-smelling Ares rapped his rings on the arm of his chair.

“I offer double for whatever the Russian wants,” he smirked.

“Outrageous!” yelled the fierce blonde Ivanovna, standing up in protest. “There is an agreed upon split, no outbidding will be tolerated.”

“Tell Blatnoy he can tolerate it for torpedoing my brother’s yacht,” said Ares.

“That was a miscommunication in a prototype guidance system, as we’ve discussed before,” smirked Ivanovna.

“Please, please,” said Colonel Olsen. “Ms. Ivanovna is right, there will be no outbidding as was previously discussed. Mr. Stavropoulos, I’m sure, would have the resources to drink Mars dry before he even felt the pinch. No, the split remains an even five gallons each, but any surplus will be open to bidding.”

“Good,” said Ares.

“That is acceptable,” said Ivanovna.

“Well let’s get on with it,” said Goins. “The sooner we get that Mars water the sooner we can get ‘round to the big one.”

Ares snickered.

“Finally?”

Goins said nothing. His off-paper division of Homeland Security had special plans for the American gallons.

“Very well,” said Colonel Olen. “If all goes according to plan, you’ll have your Mars water in a matter of months. The price tags are in the envelopes in front of you. We’ll let everyone know simultaneously is there’s a payload surplus. Thank you for your patronage. Ms. Ivanovna, please give our regards to Mr. Blatnoy.”

Beyond NASA and the Department of Seditious Revenues, life was largely undisturbed. The wet lab technician took an expected leave of absence, and Triton went as ignored in the thoughts and prayers of the world as the Greek god it was named after. Gil Fountain however neglected the pull of prime-time Space and kept tabs on the Mars Lander through the doctored NASA mission briefs. As far as he knew, the chunky little robot was sifting through red dirt and taking pictures like a tourist on Prince Edward Island— the usual numbing space fare, no lasers at all. But as Gil watched the NASA Triton v-log, the chunky little robot was actually sucking pure Mars water out of the icy caverns under Elysium Mons to foist off on the kleptocrats of Earth.


***


As parts of the Blue Planet browned and oranged, Triton reentered the stratosphere. Olsen stood in front of the TV cameras like an Arrow shirt model in epaulettes. His calculated message reached all the right ears.

“Citizens of Earth,” he said in a Reaganesque tone of confidence and panache. “After its 90 sol mission on Mars, the Triton lander had provided us with data on the history of water on the red planet and the positive environmental potential for microbial life.”

That last bit sounded nice, but it didn’t sink in until Olsen said this:

“There will be life on Mars. It will not start with us, but it will end with us.”

That was all Gil Fountain needed to hear: life on Mars.

Tabula rasa.

He prayed to Poseidon he’d live to see the day.

Hope was a spark to the world’s oily rags, and the rest, as they say, is fire prevention. Enthusiasm for Mars travel had never been higher. Astro/cosmo and taikonaut boot camps were flooded with new recruits. Governments swung their clout like ham hock clubs. Suddenly Colonel Harry Hahn Olsen was a very important man to know. It was the world’s most devious advertising campaign. Mars fever was at an all time high, and torpedo-shaped canisters of wet gold were being rolled off Triton and exchanged for more zeroes than anyone was willing to admit. Mars was the future, and Olsen was selling glasses of the future, today. Ivanovna returned hers to the vaults of Fenya; Representative Erwin N. Goins had soldiers march his canisters off to a waiting helicopter for water-boarding VIPs in the War on Terror; Ares Stavropoulos shipped his share off directly to his New York restaurant— Nép.

So when Gil Fountain came to work that evening he had a special reassignment.

“Fountain, you’re on upper deck tonight,” said the headwaiter.

Upper deck was the unadvertised penthouse dining room and dance hall of Nép. It was among the most exclusive private spaces in the Western hemisphere.

Gil had never worked there before.

“Golly sir, I…”

“Just pour the water and don’t ask any questions Fountain.”

When he walked into the upper deck dance hall, Gil couldn’t have asked a question if he’d wanted. He had a rip tide in his throat that sucked back his tongue in complete awe. The room was vaulted windows on all sides and gave a panoramic view of New York. Gil took a few cautious steps on a floor that was made of marbled, blue lapis lazuli. He straightened his cummerbund, draped a dazzlingly white cloth over his arm and walked over to get his marching orders from the general manager.

“This is big Fountain,” said the mustachioed head of the deck. “The owner is meeting with a significant Russian VIP. All you have to do it keep your mouth shut, and when Mr. Stavropoulos waves you over take this keg and refill their glasses.”

The GM gestured to a small two-wheeled cart with a tall container under a sheet.

“What’s in the keg?” asked Fountain. “Fijian? Polar melt?”

“Did I stutter when I said no questions?”

“Sorry sir.”

“Just hang out here until Mr. Stavropoulos wants you,” said the GM and left to attend to other patrons, spaced out along the nautilus bar.

At a central table near the string quintet, sat Ares Stavropoulos, flanked by olive-skinned sailor/hoplite/bodyguards. Across from him sat Ivanovna and a few of Fenya’s most bear-like. An aura of tension hung around the table like a red tide.

“So, here we are,” said Ares smiling.

“Quite so,” said Ivanovna. “I’d like to comment you on your subtle use of wealth Stavropoulos. The walls sweat modesty.”

The Greek laughed.

“What good is wealth if you can’t create beauty?” he said. “I’m a patron of the arts and a gentleman of commerce. Unlike Fenya, you’ll find no weapons on our shipping manifests.”

“The world sleeps safely,” said Ivanovna coldly. “What do you want from us Stavropoulos?”

Ares sighed and drew a finger along the rim of his glass.

“Always so frosty Ivana,” he said. “What will it take to warm your heart?”

“About one thousand suns. If you please, we have no time for canned flirtation or opulent dinners, if you want to do business say your piece. If not, we have places to be.”

“No business,” said Stavropoulos. “Only an olive branch. A toast to the cessation of hostilities between our two organizations.”

“A toast?”

“Indeed.”

Ares looked in Gil’s direction and beaconed with two fingers.

The water waiter switched into gear and pushed the cart tableside. The Fenya soldiers looked ready. Ares held out a staid hand to Gil.

“I’ve used my recent purchase to compliment our selection of artesian waters, and I would offer you, and in spirit Mr. Blatnoy a drink with me, as compatriots.”

Ivana Ivanovna looked squarely at Ares Stavropoulos. Her gaze was unflinching and she seemed to be reading every white tooth of his grin.

“We will drink,” she said.

Ares clapped his hands.

“Brilliant!” he said laughing. He made a little twirl in the air with his index finger and Gil theatrically drew the covering cloth from the same M-5 Skate torpedo that had sank Apollo Stavropoulos’ yacht.

Gil was as shocked as the Russians, but didn’t have a gun to reach for, or the thought to do so. Ares’ sailor-hoplites were also faster on the draw. Gil fountain felt the spray of blood on his cummerbund before he’d even noticed one Fenya trooper was shot and the other was on the ground, grappling and losing.

The rest of the room seemed unfazed by the violence. These were the diabolical rich after all— no clean hands in the room. The ordeal was as commonplace as a death ray dust-up at a Mad Sciences Ball.

“What’s your name?” Ares asked Gil, while Ivanaovna sat frozen in shock.

“Gil, sir. Gil Fountain, Mr. Stavropoulos.”

“Gil my dear friend, would you be so kind as to pop the cork, as it were.”

“Sir?”

“Just hit the little red button.”

“Sir?”

“Trust me Gil, no one’s going to blow up.”

Gil pressed the little red button with a finger he had to steady with his other, bloody hand.

The seal was released on the torpedo where the warhead would have been, and out from the polished cone emerged a perfectly chilled silver decanter, with modest beads of sweat rolling down the side.

“Gil, if you’d please pour us a drink.”

Gil nodded and uncapped the decanter and poured two glasses of cool Mars water for Ares and Ivanovna.

Ares raised his glass and looked Ivanovna fiercely in the eye.

“A toast,” he said. “To the cessation of hostility, bad feelings and blood of all colours; to a spirit of understanding between Stavropoulos Shipping and Fenya Corp; and above all my dear Ivana Ivanovna, a farewell to arms.”

Ares threw the Mars water down his throat and sighed.

“Impeccable.”

Ivanovna took a silent sip.

Ares stood and tucked a handsome tip into Gil’s cummerbund.

“Well done my friend,” he said. “I believe I’ll remember you.”

At that, he offered his hand to Ivana Ivanovna and escorted the pallid Fenya lieutenant off deck. The sailors followed with a corpse and a badly beaten bear.

Gil Fountain was left standing at the table, next to the fake torpedo and enough collective greed to fill the drying caverns under Elysium Mons. Since no one was watching, he took Ivana Ivanovna’s hardly touched glass and inadvertently washed the blood off of his hands with several thousand dollars worth of artesian Mars water.

Gil took a deep sigh and put his hand on the billfold in his cummerbund.

He wondered how much the tickets to Mars would cost.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

One Measures A Circle (Part II)



One Measures A Circle
-Part II-

Click here for Part I


SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sackcloth and ashes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back.

‘There is one favor that I should like to ask,’ said he.

‘Name it.’

‘Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws.’

‘What, wretch! You, his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul — you ask for the right to make his laws?’

‘Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself.’

It was so ordered.”


—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary


VI.


EMF was off the fucking chart. The whole shaft was a live wire of electromagnetic currents. As Kwan and me hunched through the pale green light, I imagined we had orbs packed around our sleeves like puffy Gore-Tex coats.

“What’s your gut feeling Kwan?” I asked.

“Can’t see my guts,” he said. “Don’t want to.”

“Fair play,” I said.

That would be hepatomancy, I suppose— scrying entrails.

The tunnel continued and we shimmied around cold pools of cave drip. I saw twitching around the walls.

“Woah,” I said, grabbing Kwan’s shoulder. “What the hell was that?”

“Bats,” he said.

I looked again. Shit. Tiny lumps of fur with little hooked-legs and rat-dog faces all rolled up in them. They were covered in tiny beads of mineral water.

We pressed on and down. According to the map, which Kwan refused to look at, this entire south shaft went down a few miles and then poked out again into the borehole. The enormous drill had destroyed the last legs of the Soviet tunnel when it went down and tapped the orbs.

It had been a tin mine in Redder days, dug out by enemies of the State, proof that the Man of Steel had a sick sense of humour. The stretch we’d already covered had been built on the backs of armchair dissidents, writers and pamphleteers who had never lifted a pick-ax in their lives. When they’d been spent, things started to get interesting. The shitty excavation was suddenly replaced by a carved stone stairway, no fooling, carved into the descending rock. It was probably the work of stonemasons who’d been found out carving busts of religious figures or foreign agents. Sure enough, as Kwan and me made our cautious way down the steps we could see the whole place was like a weird mock ossuary. The dregs of a dozen odd repatriated cathedrals were crammed into the rock face like skulls in a Mongol dolmen. They were the heads off statues of cherubs, saints, a maverick Buddha by and by. The whole walk down was littered in death masks with hearty lichens and cave bats nestled in the crooks of their beards and eyes. Kwan ran his hand along their solemn lips like a banister. If we were still in a mine, then I was the Virgin fucking Mary.

“At the end of the stairs we should be close to the tunnel outside,” I said. “Besides the EMF are you getting anything Kwan?”

“Fork ahead,” he said.

I checked the map by the green stick light.

“I think it’s just straight out into the day,” I said.

“Angels say there’s a fork. They say don’t go left. Better go left.”

I shrugged and packed the map. Kwan knew the score. Agalmatomancy: divining statues.

Sure enough, as we broke from the blank, leering gaze of all the chiseled martyrs, the path veered widely in a Y.

Kwan loosened his scarf. The deeper down under the frozen earth of Kholodniy Flats we got, the harder it was to feel the cold. Raw chunks of minerals were obvious in the floors and walls of the underground. If this had been a mine it would have been pay dirt. But it would've had to been dug decades before, and if Fenya'd been doing the digging there was no way this kind of money would just be sitting here propping up our boots. It was possible that the meteors had cracked this deep like a mess of ant holes, and then the melt water just ate away for years on years. Anything was possible. It could be a hole to hell or a nest of orbs, or maybe some gospel choir of fucking Morlocks.

“Are you armed?” I asked Kwan reflexively.

He smiled.

“Plenty. No gun though.”

“Are we going to need one?” I asked.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m armed.”

The EMF readings had peaked near the mouth of the shaft, and now they were almost untraceable. We were a few miles beyond the end of the line, according to the old survey map, and nothing we saw now was naturally occurring. I snuffed the light stick because, well, there was sconce lighting on the wall...

I shit you not; these walls that were the colour of rich red ink (the kind you may remember from failure) had upward facing sconces, layered like the impact crater itself, in some kind of Russian futurist sort of style. I felt like I was in the mind of David Lynch, or at least the dreams of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper.

Kwan stopped in his tracks and I kept on walking a few feet before I’d noticed.

I saw he’d had his eyes fixed fiercely on my boot heels.

“I hear footsteps,” he said.

“That would be me cabbage patch,” I said.

“Running,” he corrected.

Fuck me, I thought. Ambulomancy?

“Coming this way fast,” said Kwan, spinning the pick in his mitts.

“Who the hell could be down here?” I hissed, edging back so we blocked the passage.

“Tourist,” Kwan muttered.

He had a weird sense of humour.

Sure enough the footsteps were closing in, and they weren’t slow about it. Around the curve in the tunnel came the steps and they started to resemble something more like power walking. EMF suddenly shot up in digits.

“We’ve got a marlin,” I said, totally unprepared for what was about to turn the corner.

It was a man, or something vaguely squished into the shape of one, and corseted in an Acapulco print so gaudy it almost made the wall sconces weep.

Fuck a duck, I thought. A tourist.

The wispy man-shape stopped in front of us. It had a discman, which probably skipped like a bastard.

“Hey,” I said. Trying not to think of the anthropomorphic amoebas in the Farside that this thing reminded me of. It tilted its head like blue cigar smoke and spoke with a voice like a tin can phone.

“I’m looking for the pool.”

“No pool,” said Kwan.

The thing looked disappointed. I had no idea how.

“Really? Shucks, they said there was a pool.”

“Who said?” I asked.

It took a moment with a cigar smoke finger on a cigar smoke chin.

“The snake in the real nice suit,” it said buzzing. “Boy it was a real nice suit.”

I looked at Kwan and saw he was scrying the tourist. I figured to buy some time.

“You got any nice suits?” I asked.

“Heck,” it said. “I was saving to get the full Lord & Tailor up at Savile Row, but then I got sent on vacation.”

“You got sent on vacation?

“Yup, just a few paychecks away from that suit,” it said winsomely

“Well, you’ve got something to look forward to when your vacation’s over,” I said, loathing the nicey-nice small talk.

The thing laughed a whooping tin cough.

“When it’s over? Buddy, meet me half way here. This isn’t a vacation: this is vacation. It’s never over.”

I was starting to feel the hair on my neck stand up.

“Who sent you on vacation? Your boss?” I asked.

It looked frustrated. Again, I had no idea how.

“Jeez fella. This ain’t no dress rehearsal, no two weeks with pay. This is the kind of vacation you get sold when you kick off. The guy who sold me the package was Azazel. One way. It sounded okay in the brochure, but now that snake in the suit sold me a crock about the pool.”

“Pithius,” said Kwan.

The wisp man snapped his cigar smoke fingers but it didn’t make a sound.

“Yeah that’s the guy. What a shyster right? Boy oh boy. Well, I’ll see you boys back at the resort probably. The name’s Jones.”

“I’m Moses,” I said. “He’s Kwan.”

Wispy Jones whistled a flat.

“Moses, Moses bright red roses,” he hummed and started power walking back down the path he’d came.

“Pithius?” I asked Kwan.

“Read it off him,” he said.

“Capnomancy?” I asked. “Smoke reading?”

“Xenomancy,” said Kwan. “Divining through strangers.”

“You know who Pithius is?” I asked.

Kwan shook his head.

“According to Francis Barrett, the demon prince of liars,” I said.

“Told you this would be fun,” said Kwan, and walked around the bend, following the cigar smoke footsteps of Mr. Jones.


VII.


So we were on the way to hell, and then the muzak kicked in. Then we were on the road to Hell.

Kwan was impervious to the effects, but after a few miles of downward marching, and the same few miles of what sounded like a midi version of a karaoke rendition of California Dreamin’ I felt like I was going to shit every part of myself.

It was sonic warfare.

Other forms of passive aggression quickly followed.

The sconce lighting was replaced by overhead florescent bulbs, which made the corridor seem to stretch out like the endless aisle of a remorseless, subterranean Staples. The inky red rock morphed gradually into the kind of grey an office worker’s face might turn if he’d been six days dead of strangulation at the hands of his wacky, tacky Friday tie.

Finally we emerged from the horrible tunnel into a place that I could never truthfully capture for you the subtle, creeping horror of.

It was like a Department of Motor Vehicles the size of Staten Island, with queues that stretched across lakes of fire on peak paths of laminate rock so narrow that you had to shimmy sideways.

Bat-winged stock-tickers spat out call numbers just out of reach of the hapless boobs that were shimmying, so when they reached out to grab, they plummeted, and were fished out of the fire by a geriatric demon with an angler rod. He was large and hunched and took his time. He had a grotesque face with horns and scowls like a Chick tract, but with a neck-beard that bristled out like an Appalachian mountain man. He sat on a toilet fixed with tiny wheels, and his legs bent up with his knees at his ears. He grumbled and foisted the scalded back up onto the rock face, and unhooked them gingerly. Then he shoved them back into line to be sorted out by various hooting imps with brass instruments for noses.

“So this is it,” I said.

“Part of it,” said Kwan.

“What now?” I asked.

“Take a number,” said Kwan.

“I think I’ll take my chances with Sonny Jim over here.”

“Belphegor,” said Kwan, staring out at the fiery lake in a lampadomantic trance. “He’s called Belphegor.”

“So he is,” I said.

The brass-nosed imps ignored us as we waltzed up to the fisher demon and stood next to his wheeled toilet.

“Oi!” I shouted up at him.

He lolled his head to the side like a cake collapsing in the heat of the sun.

“Gett en lyne,” he mumbled.

“We aren’t vacationers,” I said. “We’re ambassadors.”

The demon laughed like a lunch being lost.

“Fawk off wit yei,” he horked.

“Listen,” I said. “I understand that depraved laziness is your MO, I’ve read the literature, but I’ve a point I must make as grim as the janitorial hairs on your chinny chin chin. We. Aren’t. Fucking. Dead.”

Belphegor took a moment, his eyes as dull and opaque as the toilet he sat on. His thoughts were percolating.

“Yer hier frome hup dare?”

“Hup, hup and a-fucking way.”

“Whut d’yis wante?”

“We want to talk to Pithius,” I said.

The demon let his line go slack, then in a sudden flurry of activity he drew up a soul, wispy like Jones, and blew his nose on it with disdain. He threw the cigar smoke body behind him and it drifted to the ground like pillow fluff, only to be tugged back to a different queue by a gaggle of imps.

“Pytheeeeeus…” muttered Belphegor, and reached for a switch behind his toilet like he was grabbing for something else entirely. A siren momentarily replaced the muzak, and a shuttered bridge extended from the demon’s feet and arched over the queues and the laminate snaking paths.

“Heel bi hat de Hinfermashun Tesk,” the demon snorted, and spat something else unsaid into the lake of fire.

“Much obliged,” I said, and we made our way across the bridge, facing hundreds of somehow angry looks from the cigar smoke faces in eternal queues, or at the end of a fishing line.

“What are we doing?” asked Kwan.

“I have a plan,” I said.


VIII.


The Information Desk was at the centre of a room with a black and white checkered floor and architecture like the bastard son of an Escher sketch and an Etch-A-Sketch. Behind the island desk in a half-moon were uncountable stairwells that stood and sunk at impossible angles, but remained connected by a point of step.

There was no one at the desk, just a bell and a sign that said: “Ring for Service.”

I did.

Service looked an awful lot like a snake in a double-breasted suit the colour of burnt books.

“Yes?” the snake asked.

“You’re Pithius,” I said.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I’m not Pithius.”

Naturally the snake was lying.

“I only speak the truth,” it said. “I’m not Pithius, but I’m at your service.”

The snake’s copper scaled head bobbed in the collar of the suit. Its length was knotted in places that would hold it up, giving the illusion of shoulders, a chest.

“We’re here as ambassadors from the living surface,” I said. “And we’re looking for the Complaints Department.”

The snake flicked its tongue thoughtfully.

“This is the Complaints Department,” it said.

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes, yes, all complaints are to be filed with me, here in the Complaints Department. I’m at your service after all. Feel free to complain.”

“Which of the stairs leads to the real Complaints department?” I asked.

“They all do,” the snake said. “They all lead back here, to the Complaints Department.”

The more the snake lied, the more its head bobbed. Sometimes it would unroll its knots and slide down into the suit, poking its head out of alternating arm holes like some aggravating serpentine Whack-A-Mole.

The more it lied the more its tongue flicked in and out, like a tic in a bad poker face.

I was trying to give Kwan a rich ophiomantic opportunity to read Pithius like a Fakir.

“Which way is the pool?” I asked.

“Back where you came from,” it said.

“And which way to the Complaints Department?”

“This is the Complaints Department. Any of the stairs behind me will take you to the Complaints Department.”

“Hey Kwan,” I asked. “Which way to the Complaints Department?”

Kwan snapped out of the snake-scrying trance.

“Looks like the tile you’re standing on.”

I loved the way this place worked. Not quite the same as staying put, I took three steps forward and two steps back. The tile slid back like segments of an orange slice and whoosh, down I went. It was too dark to see and I kept falling. I could hear Kwan behind me.

After what felt like falling in an impossible number of ways at once, we shot out of the darkness like a premature tyke and landed in a room just as nasty as the haunt of Belphegor.

The room spread out with kiosks of the weary damned hunched over paperwork. Many of them were dripping blood from missing ears and arms. Whoever had made it this far seemed corporeal, not like Jones from the tunnel, or the rest in the queues. No one could seem to concentrate on their forms, due to the slow, grind of creaking bedsprings. It was inexplicably drifting through the nasty open, blood-stinking room. I couldn’t see anyone fucking or imps jumping on a rust bed, the noise was just there, always at the back of your mind, drawing your curiosity from the task at hand. The room was entirely beige.

We walked past the dripping complainers and towards a towering wooden judge's booth that was strapped to the back of a timber wolf. I wasn’t going to jump to any fucking conclusions, but the irritated look on the animal’s face, and the big brass plaque on the booth that said “Astaroth” spoke a message that was pretty clear to me. As soon as we got close the booth began to tear down its height like a falling elevator, until the top was suddenly just above us, and perched on it was a pale, naked man with a set each of dragon and bird wings. He wore a crown and a live snake necklace Ouroboros-style. He looked pretty pissed— Astaroth, the demon prince of accusers and the Ombudsman, it seemed, of Hell.

“How dare you cut in line!” he roared in a voice that echoed through the creaking.

The wolf, tower and demon prince began to circle us suspiciously. I stood back-to-back with Kwan.

“You need to fill out an A-709b and submit it for peer review before you’re approved for flesh form complaint,” Astaroth continued in a droning formality.

“We’re an exception,” I said.

“No exceptions!” the demon roared. “Never exceptions!”

“We’re not vacationers,” I said. “We’re living.”

Astaroth’s goat eyes widened.

“Say that again.”

“We’re living,” I said. “We’re from the surface.”

The demon snapped, and a bat-winged invoice basket flew down to eye-level. He passed over an empty folder labeled “Belphegor” and opened up the fat one from “Pithius.”

He read aloud:

“Re: Vacationer manifest, no new complaints.”

Everything he said was a lie, hence the innumerable memos about all the nonexistent visitors to Astaroth’s haunt. He’d just been able to ignore them. We were the first legitimate complaints— a total jam to the infernal bureaucrat. All around us, the hopeless hunched over baffling forms, unable to concentrate. The selfish and self-righteous were condemned to writing their complaints from life on their own amputated parts before submitting to dismissive peer review. As Astaroth sat stupefied, I looked around and saw flesh forms being processed by spiky machines and the naked condemned who were approved being waved over to fleshy computer consoles where they were encouraged to present their grievances on message board style peer review. This was a special corner of Hell for the argumentative, the opinionated, and the Internet trolls. They typed complaints and were unilaterally rejected by cries of “Retard!” “Learn to spell before you decide to waste our time!” and “Why don’t you let the adults talk by themselves, you idiot fag!”

I tried to feel bad.

Astaroth finally spoke.

“I knew this day would come,” he said. “I warned Asmodai and Abaddon that the cruelty was too loud— that the screams would eventually carry through the tunnels and break through. The pyramid of Mammon, the inverted depths of Dis, the descent, the ascent, it’s all been working towards this one moment, this dire confrontation of opposing worlds. You are the harbinger of the collision… The parter of the tide... You… You’re here to make a noise complaint, aren’t you?”


IX.


“You bet your ass!” I said to the demon prince. “While inter-planar tenancy is a difficult topic to grasp there are certain ways to do things and certain ways to not. A million tortured souls wailing into an upwards facing sonic tunnel is a sparkling example of how to not.”

If you’d believe me, Astaroth looked sheepish.

“We have a back up protocol for this sort of thing. But I’m afraid we will still have to file within the system,” he said.

“So draw up the paperwork,” I said. “We don’t have the same fucking eternity at our disposal.”

Astaroth cast his eyes down to the wolf that held his tower.

“There’s just the slightest little snag with the paperwork though,” he said.

“Well?”

“It’s a flesh form.”

Fuck me, I thought, looking back at the twitching deadmeats trying to initial every line of the standard, branded scar-form on their once connected limb, lobe or worse. Could I part with an arm? Maybe just a hand, or a nose?

“Moses,” said Kwan stepping forward. “I’ll handle this.”

He unwrapped his red state scarf, red as the blood stains on the A-709b’s of the damned. Out poked the Cabbage Patch Kid arm of the parasitic twin.

“Be brief,” he said.

Astaroth’s wooden booth lurched forward like light through a prism. He scrutinized the tiny limb for font and notary potential.

“It will do,” he said. “Kneel.”

“Wait!” I said. “What about Kwan?”

“He’ll be fine,” chuckled the demon. “We’ll cauterize the wound. You’ll both see the overworld again.”

I nodded and turned my back. I was as open-minded about the potential of reality as anybody, but seeing my partner’s third arm bitten off by the wolf that carried the demon prince of accusers was a point of manifestation I was happy enough to block out.

Instead I listened to the chorus of bedsprings as the wolf took a clean bite and set its teeth like the daisy wheel of an electric typewriter, etching the flesh form it had taken from Kwan.

“Names?” asked Astaroth.

“Moses Gurney,” I said.

“Kwan Shim-bang.”

“Sign here,” said the demon, as the wolf extended its tongue with the flesh form and a fountain pen.

“What about Kwan’s neck?” I said, picking up the pen.

Astaroth rolled his eyes.

“If you insist,” he said, and clapped a smooth, stone gavel on his booth.

A scuttling creature, some homunculi or pit imp appeared out of the ethers, dragging a long black-iron brand. It poised like a javelineer and thrust the thing into the wet flesh of Kwan’s neck. There was a rank smell and an intense burst of heat before the blood firmed around Kwan’s wound. The creature pulled away the brand and showed the seal of Astaroth in clot, where Kwan’s third arm used to be.
“What the hell is that?” I demanded.

The demon ombudsman smiled toothy.

“A nicely cauterized neck. We didn’t want your friend to bleed out on out way to see the Boss, did we?”

“I mean the seal, what are you trying to pull with that shit? We never agreed to anything like that?”

“But you didn’t object,” said Astaroth. “You never asked for terms, and I never offer information without accusation.”

“Moses,” said Kwan abruptly. “It’s fine. Let’s sign the form and be on our way.”

Kwan was all business, always ways, even with the weird-fuck seal of some demon prince in the absence of the only trace of family he could have had by blood, he was all business.

I shut my mouth and signed his twin’s only arm.

He did the same.

The homunculi gathered the flesh form in its spindly limbs and scuttled off to deliver it to the very Boss.

“I suggest you follow,” said Astaroth. “And do keep on the beaten path. I’ll send one of my subordinates to guide you.”

A dumb waiter door opened in Astaroth’s booth as it began to rise up again to the height of a tower. Out of the door slumped a wrapped skeleton with perfectly formed piercing eyes and a beard that sprouted bafflingly from the bleached bone of its jaw.

“Barbados at your service,” it wheezed.

“Lead on,” said Kwan.

The parcel of bones hovered for a moment, and then floated forward on the path the homunculi had gone.

I just kept my mouth closed and walked. I figured it was high time I shut up.

Astaroth’s haunt fed into another corridor, but in Barbados’ tow we no longer seemed bound by obstacles and physical space. We passed through walls and rock and further down, past the Pyramid of Mammon, and the Arches of the Red Duke Berith. We passed down through the pens of Incubi and the special, suffering ditches of the vacationers whose crimes had the greatest: infanticide, self-pity, file-sharing. We hovered over the ditch of the passive-aggressive who were tormented by the blowing shreds of their suggestion notes.

Finally, past the panderers, seducers, the homophobic and the tastelessly rich, we touched down at the gate of the city of Dis— the haunt of the Boss, Lucifer.

Barbados chattered away in his unnerving bone-talk and the guards parted the doors for us.

“I must leave you here,” the skeleton said to us. “Lord Astaroth will require me.”

With that he bobbed back through the air we’d came, like a bottle on a wave. We entered the gates of Dis, and found only one possible way— forward. Forward across a bridge over absolute blackness, and into a cold, circular room of black glass. We faced a long administrative desk, with a banker’s lamp, a black attaché case, and the flesh form noise complaint, laid limp and scarred with legalese.

Lucifer sat in a backwards-facing wheelchair; a sexless head of long hair and a constant plume of blue-grey smoke was all we saw. It only took me a few moments to realize that the devil was smoking souls, like the ones Belphegor had blown his nose with, or that searched the tunnels vainly for swimming pools that would never exist.

I heard its voice in my head; there was no sound in the room around us.

“You’re expected Moses Gurney,” came the voice. “We’ve always known someone like you would come.”

I couldn’t speak a response.

The voice continued:

“You were correct about the opaque nature of inter-planar tenancy, there is no Board but ours to appeal to. There has always been a protocol in place should someone like you make the long journey to rap on our ceilings and floors with your broom.”

There was more unfathomable silence.

“In the case on our desk is a missive for your superiors above. Please see that they receive it unimpeded, and unspoiled. We’re finished here, gentlemen.”

Kwan stepped forward and took the case off the desk. It made no sound as it slid; neither did our lungs or our feet on the floor until we had passed out of that weird, cold fucking room and back out of Dis.

I wasn’t surprised to see a lift like the guts of a clock, waiting outside for us. The true path out was straight up, bypassing hard space and going through the middle, from right-side-up Devo hat, to inverted one.

Kwan and I didn’t speak on the lift. He re-wrapped his scarf and we didn’t talk about the brand or any of it. All I wanted to know was what was in the attaché case, but Kwan had it, and I wasn’t about to ask him for a fucking peek.

I had no idea how long we’d been gone, but I set a flare once we found ourselves again at the bottom of Kholodniy Crater. We camped out, and after several hours I heard the familiar whirring of Fenya helicopter blades, and saw a flare in kind.

After we rode the mine lift back to the rim, I saw Wolf Abramov’s face in the Siberian dawn and he looked as happy to see us as anyone ever could.

“Moses! Kwan! We thought you were surely dead,” he said.

Kwan walked forward and held the attaché case out to the dark-suited man who stood with Wolf, a man I didn’t recognize as Boris Blatnoy, Chairman of Fenya Corp.

“What’s that?” asked Wolf.

“Nevermind,” Blatnoy said in Russian. “Escort Mr. Kwan and Mr. Gurney to the train.”

The miners cheered when they saw us. They said they could feel a monumental change in the formerly hallowed ground. No one felt sick or foreboding, and external variables and Fenya willing they could all go back to work again soon.

So there it was. I’d been on visitor’s vacation in Hell, parted a red sea of orbs, back-foiled the document clerks of the underworld and been a messenger boy for the Prince of fucking Darkness.

As we sat on the train, I finally spoke to Kwan.

“What was in the case?”

I know he knew. It was in his milky eyes, his almost imperceptible shake of the hand as he handed the case to Blatnoy. He could have read it any number of ways, but I chose to think of it as cledonomancy: the divination of rumour, overheard words, the subtle and undetectable act of scrying between the lines.

So he told me.

He told me what it was inside Lucifer’s attaché case.

“A note.”

He told me what we had delivered from Dis to Fenya, through the Kholodniy Crater to the mirror Pyramid of Mammon: a note in an attaché case, bearing three simple letters.

"I O U."

Thursday, July 17, 2008

One Measures A Circle (Part I)


The Myth
(via Singapore Paranormal Investigators)

"
Russian scientists conducting deep hole drilling experiments in Siberia break through the earth's crust at more than 14 kilometers. They find it unusually hot at that depth (2,000 degrees F). As a part of trying to listen to movement in the earth's crust, they drop a microphone into the drilled hole and are horrified when they realize they are hearing the voices of millions of people crying out in torment. Terrified, they decide to abandon the project, but not before a bat-like apparition arises from the hole and gives them a message."


***


In wanting to write a story spoofing paranormal investigation and mythology, I couldn't really go for any commonly accepted truth as a middle ground. I was directed to this account of a Siberian mine shaft turned "hole to Hell" and was intrigued by the possibilities of a suddenly collision between orbs, assholes, and Judeo-Christian mysticism.

I apologize for the wait between this and the last FTF installment. This too will unfortunately be a two-parter (don't worry I haven't forgotten about Ripley and the Apple Corps. at Pinova) but I hope to get back to weekly posts soon.


***


The Fiction

One Measures A Circle
-Part I-


“We shall pick up an existence by its frogs. Wise men have tried other ways. They have tried to understand our state of being, by grasping at its stars, or its arts, or its economics. But, if there is an underlying oneness of all things, it does not matter where we begin, whether with stars, or laws of supply and demand, or frogs, or Napoleon Bonaparte. One measures a circle beginning anywhere.”

—Lo! Charles Fort


I.


It started a long way back. This crater kept getting bigger. Can you believe it? Repeat impacts on the same spot. Like someone up there with an asteroid slingshot had a real hard-on for beating this patch of tundra into cold dust. Kholodniy Flats, right there in the guts of Siberia— cold as Christ and rich as a Soviet fink who sold out after Stalin.

No one knew much about it until after the Union fell. The whole area was gulags and tin mines full of pamphleteers with shit luck and unpopular views. The team my father worked for came in ’97 as part of an international survey. Once they tested the soil and the strata they saw that at least fifty celestials had shared the same point of impact, each one bigger then the last. It looked like a natural strip mine, the impression of a giant Devo hat, an upside down wedding cake.

They tried to get UNESCO to safeguard the hole for more research but once the new corporate Reds got wind there was tin, diamonds, molybdenum, all kind of money deeper down under the crust, they did all mess of national cock-blocking and sabre-rattling. Fenya Corp. swooped in like a big Golden Eagle off the Ural and started operations. Only things never went right. Investors kept fucking off and dying under mysterious circumstances, machinery either broke down on route or froze up on site. Money was bled from the project by enough nicks to give everyone a good scare. The word “cursed” was on everyone’s lips, and not even the hardest miners would come within a live inch of that epic hole in the ground.

So it froze.

Fenya abandoned the project and the placed sucked frost for the better part of ten years. So once everyone’s convinced there’s no money in it— all the cock and sabres wrapped up nice-like— scientists from all over want to poke around again. Some team has the bright idea to test their geo-thermal borehole drill to see how far they can go. They get about fourteen honest clicks down into the ground and the same weird stuff starts happening again. Researchers are disappearing, tents that were pitched the night before are gone in the morning with no trace of the holes spiked in the dirt. When the drill bit finally gets pulled up it’s all twisted in reverse— counterclockwise, like the whole things was retro-engineered. So they have the good sense to bail but all the car-accident gawkers are still curious as balls, so they get a crew of recording engineers (mind you this is all now on the dime of some Finnish metal band who wants to tap into this curse stuff for a concept album) and they dunk a thermal insulated microphone down the big bore hole.

They called me in to hear the tape.


II.


Don’t be fooled by Fiddler On The Roof or some Faberge egg what you saw all sweet eyed in a magazine, the Trans-Siberian is cold and shitty. I’m not what you would call a guy with a romantic disposition, which is to say I don’t see the beauty of being poor or the appeal of old, musty shit. Bohemian is not a description I recognize. Like colour-blindness, I don’t see it.

So anyway, I’m five days into this trip and we’re coming up on Birobidzhan in the Jewish Autonomous Oblast, which I’m sure will be a blast as much as I’m sure as all this untouched, romantic scenery outside my window is the colour fucking Boho.

You’ll have to excuse my irritability. Not for any particular reason I’m about to give, you’ll just have to excuse it.

From Biro, there’s a plane waiting to take me to the Kholodniy Flats, and a mining camp that far enough away from this borehole that people are actually willing to relax. They want me to hear the tape. They tried sending it, but the copy I got had nothing on it. They called me all frantic like
—Did you hear it? Did you hear it?
And I told them to calm down and said that there was only static on my end. They said
—Are you sure?
And I said, No on second though I guess I did hear a choir of troglodytes singing Ave Fucking Maria. I figured they were nuts, so I got interested. Apparently they made all kind of copies, all different formats. Just static that played. Whatever’s on this tape that has them so wound is only on the master. So they sent the master itself to a facility in Biro and guess what? Static. Returned it to camp? Back to whatever’s on the tape that has them so wound.

So I got real interested.

I didn’t bring anyone on the team because I want to hear this with my own ears first. People think I’m bat-shit for doing what I do, but those are the people who are caught up in their own little experiments: their arts, their culture, their science. My old man named me Moses and said
—God willing, you’ll be a scientist.
Sure he said God, but it was a figure of speech and naturally he meant, external variables. Pop was a sucker for premises, big ones stuffed with clout like a turkey stuffed with goose. His premises shrunk the world to make it fit, each assumption narrower than the last, stuffing that goose with duck, chicken, game hen, guinea, pigeon, quail, Pop just kept cramming that thing to the point he actually had to breed his own birds small enough to keep fitting inside. Once it was all said and done that fucking turkey was stuffed with so many incredible shrinking birds that the last one was small enough to fit an olive. What I’m getting at is that Pop was so fixated on his premises and processes, that he was fool enough to imagine his whole line of thinking had started with the clout turkey in the first place! I mean, any asshole can shrink the world to the size of an olive and think it’s good work, but think of all the abstraction. As for me, I don’t believe in anything, that way I’m up for anything. That way I’m in a single berth sleeper on the Trans-Siberian on the way to hear a tape some dire Finns recorded by sticking a mic down the Earth’s own corn-hole. But honestly, would I rather be in a lab? My ceremonial white coat bathed in the mauve light of a cathode ray, hot to trot and fat on logic, asking the spirits whether there's any chemical present that has affinity with something named Hydrogen?

Gurney’s Law: often times, only the least likely things are bullshit. Act accordingly.

My kid brother likes to call me Neo-Fortean. I like to say, I cast my net wide. One thing that Fort did say is probably the closest I’ll ever get to a mantra though
—One measures a circle beginning anywhere.

Anyway, this is my stop.


III.


I woke up on the plane, which looked like a toy, and felt the kind of early morning tired you feel in your nose like the start of a cold. I must have slept a little, but I couldn’t really guess what time it was when we touched down on the landing strip for the supply depot. The pilot didn’t have any English so we shook hands and I met up with my contact on the ground.

Everything outside seemed harsh. The wind and the light were fierce. Nothing but dark rock and ruddy scrub for scenery. Looking back you can see the postcard mountains and the clean sky and rivers everyone’s so hard for these days, but here it’s like there was a cutoff point and now we’re in fucking Mordor or something.

“Mr. Gurney?“ asked a nervous looking guy.

“Moses Gurney.”

“Wolf Abramov. Everyone is packing up,” he said. “We had to take roll call in the mornings. People are disappearing Mr. Gurney.”

“Moses.”

“Did you hear what I just told you?”

“Sure, I’m just not surprised.”

“I tell you people are vanishing without a trace and you say you’re not surprised?”

“To be honest I’m surprised more people don’t vanish without a trace in normal places, under normal circumstances, but here you’ve got a bona fide hole to Hell and you’re wondering why people are up and done gone? Maybe you should be less surprised.”

He crossed himself a couple times like he was learning cursive, this man named Wolf.

“Hole to Hell?” he choked out.

“Sure, isn’t that what you said on the phone?”

“Yes but surely…”

“Sure ain’t much pal, I’ll give you that for free, now lets hear that tape before everyone decides to hop down everyone else’s throat like matryoshka dolls and roll off to relative safety.”

I loved giving it to guys who are as serious as Wolf. As we walked to the tent I could almost see the eyes in the back of his head shooting barracudas at me. What can I say? In this line of work you can’t make friends with your leads, or pleads even. Then they try to work to convince you of whatever (I hate the word supernatural) shit they’ve seen or think they’ve seen, or want the world to know they’ve seen. Then suddenly like you’re pals or something. They start staging and flubbing like nervous carnies. I don’t have time for special buddies with spook-house chips on their shoulders or mortgages to pay on their Maison du Mort. Fakelore as we say. I’m not a professional— I just do this for a living.

We got to a sad little tent village off the shabby tarmac and I wasn’t surprised the locals banned these guys from the mine camp proper. There were people outside with all their shit packed at their feet talking in nervous huddles like they were about to play a bunch of zombies at Canadian football and they don’t know the difference in the rules. These guys were jumping at every nasty gust of wind so I figured I’d better get inside and listen to the spook mix in all its glory.

Boy oh boy.

Inside we have the members of the bleak metal (different from black metal I’m told) band Finngald, four in total. Two sound guys, plus Wolf from before and a handful of scientists with either great expectations or nothing good to go back to, always hard to tell the difference. They crowded around this arcane analogue machine, which I assumed held the reason for my summons and the failed attempt at an intro sting to Finngald’s concept album about Faust.

Pity, really.

Finbar Finn, the lead singer and visionary whose legal middle name was actually “Fucking” stepped out and spoke.

“We’re glad you’re here Moses Gurney,” he said. (Thankfully no fucking honorifics.)

“Here.”

He handed me some headphones.

“Hear.”

It was a clumsy joke, but I smiled nonetheless and finding only confusion at my reaction at being handed a cursed recording of the pits of Hell, I realized there was no pun intended.

Time to get serious.

“Just so my opinion isn’t influenced before hand, here’s what we do,” I said. “Has everyone here heard the tape?”

There was a unanimously solemn nod.

“I want everyone swallow their impressions of the sound or sounds on this tape,” I said. “I don’t want to be anymore influenced by the knowledge of its contents than I already am. As I’m sure I don’t need to explain, the human subconscious mind has a wonderful sense of fun and fair play, but I mean that in the sense of fun house mirrors, not bosom chums clapping each other on the back after an English football match. Sadly the rest of the brain does not share in this sense of make-believe and 'say anything' and so to a greater extent than we know, we hear what we tell ourselves we’re going to hear. So, save your thoughts please until after my session.”

I think I confused everyone into obedience since they headed to an alternate tent. Wolf stayed with his hands folded behind his back.

“If you don’t mind,” I said, taking the only seat and putting the headphones around my neck.

“I’m afraid I do, out of concern for you Mr. Gurney,” he said.

“Moses.”

“This recording is very severe.”

“I think I can handle it.”

“Some men have screamed.”

“I was born quiet.”

“Some men have… evacuated.”

“I’m assuming you don’t mean the premises.”

“Quite correct.”

“Suit yourself.”

So I was warned, which meant I cranked the volume before I put on the headphones.

“You can do the honours,” I yelled to Wolf.

I figured after all the grief I’d been giving him, I had to throw the guy a bone. He looked less grateful, but no less pleased. He planted his pointer on the little green triangle and I buckled at the knees, even though I was sitting down.

The noise was one constantly changing scream with what could be a million other potentialities keeping time and harmony. Like everyone in a city got shot in the leg at the same time, and no one was coming to help them. The wailing refused to bleed out; it just kept on like funeral mourners on overtime. The voices on this tape had suffering down to a science; they were students of pain and carried themselves like the cruelest choir of bloody throat Benedictine brats doing laps on hot coals.

I realized I was sweating hot sweat. I threw the headphones down on the table.

Phew.

“You guys are fucking pro,” I said, catching my breath.

“I don’t follow,” said Wolf.

“That tape is a work of art, you should be working for Hollywood.”

Wolf’s face twisted into fierce indignation, the kind that would say anything to make you believe.

“How dare you!” he shouted. “Men have died for this tape and you would dare call it a fake?”

“Men aren’t here who I never knew were here in the first place, now that could be dead or it could be laying low. You have a crew of sound engineers, a bunch of potentially Satanic Finns and the legacy of a cursed mine with enough potential profit to keep Mother Russia barefoot and pregnant until the sun burns as red as the good old flag. This is a push to get superstitious miners back under the ground. You work for Fenya right?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Right, so the sooner you have some esoteric proof that the ghosties and bad luck are history, the sooner this place can start paying off. You know I’m not only good at what I do, but that I’m good at showing other people what I do isn’t a publicity scam. Now just because I don’t believe you doesn’t mean I’m not willing to work for a cash advance.”

Wolf looked that special kind of indignant where you know your only option to get what you want is by giving an asshole what he wants. In my line of work it’s necessary to be that kind of asshole.

“Very well,” he said at last. “Money is no object.”

“Good,” I said. “I need to go to the rim.”

He looked shocked.

“Now?”

“I need to get my team together, and some of them only work on summons. MINO isn’t good enough.”

I’d broken Wolf in.

“I’ll make the arrangements,” he said.

Maybe fifteen minutes later, a helicopter with the Fenya logo on its tail from some secret base or something touched down outside the camp. I wrapped my cold-weather camera and Wolf and I rode flew.

“The pilot says he won’t touch down,” Wolf told me. “You’ll have to make do with shots from the air.”

“Fair play,” I muttered.

The borehole still showed the fanning history of impacts but it was easy to notice the human tampering. There were abandoned scaffolds, lifts and machinery hugging the southern rim. Crane arms hung inert from rigor mortis and foremen’s shanties stood frozen and abandoned. There was no snow, but it was colder than Baba Yaga’s tit. I shot a full roll as we made a circle around the crater. It was important to use film. Like the analog recording from the pit, digital equipment didn’t work at the site.

“The pilot is getting nervous,” Wolf said urgently.

“Fine,” I said. “Take us back, and tell him to make sure this film gets sent the fastest and most unimpeded way to Hyesan, North Korea. Near the Chinese border.”

“North Korea?” Wolf said. “But why?”

“I’m sending a summons,” I told him. “If we hear nothing in two weeks, I’m going in alone.”


IV.


I spent thirteen days in the tent camp making notes on the Kholodniy crater, and on the evening of the last day, in expected form, I had a visitor.

Wolf had convinced himself that I was a lunatic and that I’d be whistling down the mineshaft to my abyssal end tomorrow morning, bright and early. He came into my tent with an excited air.

“Moses! Someone is here,” he said quickly.

I stood up.

“In that case, I’m sorry I called you a faker Wolf,” I told him. “If he’s here, then we have a whole mess of spook on our hands.”

Wolf seemed shocked, and concealed his smile with aplomb.

He held open the tent flap for a man with an envelope. Funny I mentioned the envelope first. Most people would have said “a man with the arm of a parasitic twin sticking out of his neck” but I’d worked with Three-Armed Kwan enough times to not be surprised, besides the arm was covered up with a red state scarf. What was in the envelope was what was really important.

Wolf kind of balked at the bulge under Kwan’s scarf as the tall Korean walked over and laid out the contents of the envelope on the table in front of me.

“Hello Moses,” he said in careful English. “You rang?”

On the table was the summons, the photographs from the crater. They looked like they were blotted out by a snowstorm.

“There wasn’t any snow that day,” said Wolf looking over my shoulder. “It never snows near the crater.”

“Not snow,” said Kwan to me. “Orbs. No one has ever seen so many in one place.”

I looked at him. Orbs were usually the layman’s find of amateur EMF trackers and ecto-photogs. Skeptics passed them off as dust or interference, no more extra-planar than an overexposed moon is a UFO. No one said what they were, and I liked it that way. It was assumed by orbheads that they were elements of ghosts, not the full enchilada— maybe just spirit particles or spectral blueballs. Orbheads were generally though to be a few FDA write-ups short of a total recall, but this blizzard of orbs was as real as any photograph could be.

“So we’re headed down in the morning,” I said to Kwan.

He nodded, then he looked over at Wolf and the Finns who’d lined the open flap of the tent.

“So who are they?”

“Finbar Fucking Finn from the band Finngald, and I’m not just adding the fucking part for effect it’s actually on this guy’s passport, which guess what, is from Finland. Now before you keel over dead from that shocker here’s the rest. Bjorn, Stig, another guy named Stig, Wolf is the rep from Fenya, and there's some other jokers milling around or disappearing into the wild blue fucking yonder.”

“I’m sorry, but just who is this individual?” asked Wolf, probably aggrieved at not having a grander introduction.

Kwan was an expert on divination. I forget how we came to work together, but I always called him in on big jobs. He was from the ghost town of Hyesan, where the lights don’t work, and life is hard. He'd planned shafts for copper mines by pissing on a plate of copper ore, or by watching the way avalanches crested as they ran down the mountains. Some shamans finally found him and smuggled him off and tapped his potential like a frat keg of manna. He was a natural conduit; he saw prophecy in the most mundane shit you could possibly imagine. They’ve got so many kinds of –mancy that it’d waste a few lives just trying to take the piss out of half. That’s why I keep an open mind you see. Tyromancy? Sounds pretty cool right? Tyro sounds like pyro which sounds like maybe you can snap your fingers like a Zippo and save a boy scout some fun with sticks, but do you know what tyromancy really is? Ahem, divination by the coagulation of cheese. That’s right. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet casting her curds and seeing into the dread future. Kwan was the Miss Muffet who could sniff ether and read the ethers. He could do all the parlor stuff with cards and crystals and la-dee-da, but where hucksters needed their baubles, Kwan could just play it by ear. Which would be auriculamancy I suppose. He’d be an auricle, chuckle-chuckle.

This was all stuff Wolf didn’t need to know.

“He’s my partner,” I said. “Send word to the town that the mine train will have to be ready for us tomorrow. Whatever Fenya money it takes, we need lift capacity and a map.”

Kwan looked at me and rolled his eyes.


V.


It took the deep pockets of Fenya to do it, but the mine train was stoked, packed with beefy skeptics and started slowly chugging Kwan and me to the Kholodniy Crater.

Naturally we couldn’t just shimmy down the borehole shaft, but Wolf told us that one of the original gulag-moonlighting mine shafts was still accessible, complete with rickety cart tracks and bats with eyes as big as our death-wish. The train stopped moving about a half mile from the rim. There was still plenty of sweat and fuel, but the fucker just came to a standstill like a deer what smelled wolf.

“This will be big,” Kwan said stroking his sad Asiatic goatee. He was looking at the miners, talking nervously to each other— their eyes flitting back and forth like nervous insects. I couldn’t tell if he was speaking out of turn, or if he was doing ocular divination or some shit, reading the puffy veins of fear in these poor bastards’ eyes.

“I wouldn’t have tried you for less buddy,” I told him.

I’d known Kwan long enough to be able to avoid looking at the flaccid fist of a Cabbage Patch Kid sticking limply out of the folds of his huge red scarf. Instead I looked at his indescribably coloured eyes, his snug coat, ceramic goggles resting at the ridge of his hairline that pulled back into a ponytail.

Wolf came into the cabin from the engineer’s room. He nervously fiddled with his wire glasses, and pulled his furry hat a little further down.

“We’re walking,” he said regretfully.

As us three and the hired beef bundled our asses against the coming cold, we saw something after Kwan saw it first.

“It’s snowing,” he said.

So it was.

Kholodniy Crater was dusted with the stuff as we came to the edge of the rim where the old lift was waiting. The beef brought an old generator and a few of the gifted ones jerry-rigged the sad, old motor and put on heavy gloves knowing that they’d probably wind up doing this by hand.

Kwan and me, with backpacks like squeegee kids stepped out onto the lift like we were about to be weighed at the greengrocer. The motor hacked up a lung and died ingloriously and for certain.

Beau geste.

There was much spared ceremony. I told Wolf when we expected to return from our initial survey, and when he’d be advised to cease searching for us. Radios wouldn’t work, but I told him that if anything went wrong we’d try to get word in anyway possible. At that, Wolf signaled the beef and they proceeded to lower us down the rims of the inverted cake to the entrance of the old shaft.

“God bless,” he said as we descended.

“External variables notwithstanding,” I said and smiled at the little man.

We steadied ourselves on bars and held on during the long vertical crawl. It took the better part of an hour, and Kwan and I said nothing. He spun a pick-ax in his mittens. Our touchdown on a flat crop of rock was tenuous. I almost laughed when I saw the opening to the old mine. It was as if all the wet minerals in the crust had conspired to scare the life piss out of anyone who even thought about trying to pry their way back into the hallowed ground. Thick spines of hard leakage stuck out like the teeth of an ugly-as-fuck fish from the depths of the sea— ice and salt and sediment all spoiled by the rust run off of the machines above and below. Cold grey and white stones parodied a door around beams of wood and metal. It looked like it had been drawn by a real prick of a comic book artist.

Kwan swung his ax and started in on the teeth. The sediment crumbled in clean chunks from the cold. Icy power dusted and his red scarf. I cracked a light stick and we had a strong lime-coloured glow, it made the tunnel seem bioluminescent. The best of the teeth were broken at Kwan’s feet and he studied them with an arcane twitch of the face.

He looked over at me and lowered his goggles.

“Going to be fun.”

Down we went.


To be continued...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Free Lunch/Final Wisdom

This (awesome) site is where gastronomy goes to die and have its body ground, fried and stuffed with cheese. It comes highly endorsed by President Link.


The Truth (via UPI)

"Australia is the fattest nation in the world, with more than 9 million adults classified as obese or overweight, a new study indicates.

The study reported Australians outweigh U.S. residents and 123,000 Aussies could experience premature deaths during the next 20 years, The Age reported.

Four million Australians -- 26 percent of the adult population -- are considered obese, compared to 25 percent of Americans, the report by Melbourne's Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute said. An additional 5 million Australians are considered overweight."


***


I first heard the story of Australia winning America's fat crown on CBC TV, which is where I heard the "gizzards of OZ" joke I steal later in the story.

I'm a huge fan of The Onion, and have read it faithfully since I was in high school. One of my favorite Onion stories, and honestly one of my all time favourite pieces of satire was a mock-ed piece they published in 2001 under the title I Wish I Were Hungry. I encourage you to read it first, to get a sense of the ambitious hyperreality going on in the upcoming story.

The list of Worst Foods in America is also real, and can be found here at Men's Health.

So Australia is now the world's fattest nation, let's read about some hungry American heroes who dared to win back that title, and show the world that freedom and democracy are ineffably linked to gluttony and the glory of God working through our jowls.

To whet your appetite, here are some pictures of American politicians exercising their freedom to chow down:







This story is dedicated to Shane, the only person who finds gluttony as funny as I do.


***


The Fiction

Free Lunch/Final Wisdom

or

The Hungriest Man in America




Frank and Marion Madison lived in Moundsville, West Virginia, the 3rd fattest state in the Union.

It was a state that was doing well enough fatness-wise, but wasn’t quite where it needed to be. In that sense, West Virginia was lazy middle management. It lacked the wolfish ambition of Alabama, a state dead-set on winning the title of fattest from the mighty Mississippi. But what West Virginia had over bronze-medal caliber fatness was a vision for the future of cooperative corpulence, a vision that would heal America in her darkest hour.

It would be remembered with significance by a generation, as with presidential assassinations, significant TV series finales and 9/11; people would come to share the stories of where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news of the Great Shaming.

On that day, Frank Madison was reclining in his La-Z-boy. His wife Marion was cooking buttermilk flapjacks in the kitchen. Their daughter Mary was off at Ohio State. The only trace of her in the house was her basketball team photo over the fireplace, and a copy of Men’s Health she had passive-aggressively mailed to her father from Ohio. The magazine sat unopened on the torn envelope it came in, primed to gather dust and food stains on the coffee table. “The 20 Worst Foods in America” read the cover. Frank breathed in the smell of the flapjacks— buttermilk with caramel and chocolate. Not chips, but real bar chunks bought in bulk.

Marion was a good woman, Frank thought.

So he said so.

“Marion,” he said. “You’re a good woman.”

Marion laughed from the kitchen.

“A hungry man has a silver tongue, Frank Madison,” she said. “My dear old Granny always said ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean nothin’ until he’s full.”

Frank whistled at the gravitas of dear old Granny’s wisdom, and turned on the TV. The Madisons never bothered much with CNN, but that was the channel fate chose for them today. The black screen suddenly became the grim, face of Anderson Cooper. As he delivered the lines of the live broadcast, Frank heard only static air, as if his hands were cupped over his ears. He felt somehow removed from his body and trapped in a 360º spin as his own eyes circled him and returned again to the terrible headline slowly scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

“Australia now world’s fattest country, study says.”

Other scrolling headlines kept time after the first:

“America dethroned: Aussie obesity at 26%.”

“Gizzards of Oz: the fat 1% between us and them.”

Frank dropped his remote and it bounced on the carpet.

“Frank?” called Marian from the kitchen. “What’s going on in there?”

Frank didn’t answer. He lurched out of his chair and fell to his knees in front of the coffee table. He frantically flipped open the Men’s Health and fumbled the pages to the cover story. He tore past the categories; worst Mexican entrée; worst breakfast; worst starter. Finally he reached the heart of this glossy, craven betrayal— the worst food in America:

Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing

2,900 calories

182 g fat

240 g carbs

The caloric equivalent of 14 Krispy Kreme doughnuts

“Those bastards,” stammered Frank, gut-shot. “Those pink, fleshy bastards… right under our noses this whole time… what have they done? WHAT HAVE THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOONE?”

Marian ran from the kitchen and saw the love of her life a broken mess on the coffee table. She ran to him and cradled his head in her hands.

“Frank, Baby, what is it? What happened?”

Then Marian heard the broadcast, saw the terrible, scrolling truth. She looked down at her husband’s face and saw in his eyes a look of saline hopelessness.

Sure, he would be full again, but for what?

He was a shamed resident of the 3rd fattest state of the 2nd fattest nation of the only planet in the solar system capable of eating.

On that remembered day, Marian Madison held her husband Frank and they wept.


***


As tragedy goes, after denial comes anger.

The first acts of retribution where decisive and brutal. Boomerangs were defiantly thrown out to sea, to mixed results. Crocodiles and koala-bears at major metropolitan zoos were savagely harpooned and devoured. Eucalyptus wine was poured down storm drains by the bottle, and imported kangaroo steaks left to spoil in the sun.

Clear Channel stations blacklisted Silverchair, Ben Lee and Kylie Minogue.

America had spoken: the Aussies would be made to pay.

The official correspondence had been terse.

The office of the president asked how they thought they would get away with tossing another “shrimp on the barbie” as it were.

The office of the prime minister responded: “we call ‘em prawns you thin yank.”

Harsh words.

But it was an election year and the fury of pre-campaigning was busy splitting and reconfiguring the country’s loyalties. The incumbent president said in an under-heard speech that military action against the Commonwealth of Australia had not been ruled out.

Frank Madison heard the speech on TV at the Old Gold and Blue.

“Damn right,” he muttered, swirling diet tonic water around in his glass.

“Frank, you sure I can’t get you a beer or something? Jesus, I hate to see you like this… Willy ain’t in to open the kitchen until 12:00, but I can tear you a bag of pork rinds or something.”

Bill Wood had run the Old Gold for 20 years, and known Frank for all of them.

“What’s the point Bill?” Frank said, staring off into oblivion. “There’s no pride left in being fat. 3rd fattest never did mean much, but by God now it doesn’t mean a damn thing.”

Frank took in a long, dire breath.

“I’m thinking of doing… the South Beach Diet.”

Bill dropped the glass he had been polishing.

“Frank you’re talking crazy,” said Bill planting both hands on the dark wood of the bar. “You’ve got plenty to live for, there ain’t no Goddamn reason… think of Marion, and Mary, what would Mary say if she heard you talking like that?”

Frank laughed bitterly.

“She’d probably be happy. Always did say she wished I would diet…”

As went the Nation so went Bill, from denial to anger.

“Well you can get the hell out, Frank Madison!” roared Bill, tears welling in the big man’s eyes. “You can waste away on your ‘no pork rinds no jerky’ good-fat goddamn pity diet, but you ain’t gonna make me watch a friend do that to himself. You get yourself home to your wife Frank, because you ain’t welcome here anymore.”

Frank offered no resistance. He hadn’t eaten sugar since he’d heard the news days ago. He was catatonic as his body reevaluated its purpose. He slouched out of the Old Gold and Blue and into his double-parked truck.

Talk radio was more of the same. The right tore at the left for promoting the dietary fad culture that let the Australians gain the upper hand; the left tore at the right for provoking conflict with allied nations, amounting to a battle of the bulge. Everywhere was the story of the infiltrating Aussie cheese fries, and the Commonwealth’s secret-weapon, hamburgers “with the lot” topped with fried eggs, grilled onions, bacon and pineapple. Presidential hopefuls Obama and McCain tried graciously to avoid the fat issue in their rhetoric, and many American voters felt as unsatisfied as a salad for lunch.

Frank listened with interest and cursed. He had never been a political man. He’d worked as his father had as a guard at the State Pen. When it closed in ‘95 he retired to a modest pension and an opportunity to finally let himself go. Frank still had strong arms at 50, but he’d worked hard for his retirement gut. He’d always voted democrat like his father had, but now Frank didn’t think Obama had a plan for America’s fat. He felt marginalized and under attack from foreign agents. The fiery rhetoric on the radio had sidetracked Frank’s sugar crash. He pulled the truck into the Moundsville Public Library parking lot.

There have to be others out there like me, thought Frank. I just have to find them. We need to make our voices heard.

Frank spent hours pouring over microfiche in the library archives. In the newspapers he found nothing but discrimination. Pundits from the Heart and Stroke Foundation, and Big Diabetes ghettoizing America’s fat, making their chosen lifestyle seem somehow criminal. Frank felt a new, liberating indignation. He felt like a lone crusader, willing to take up the fight against the hidden threat to his country’s honour. Until he found a lone editorial by a man named Cal Link, even the title of which changed Frank’s life forever in that moment:

“I Wish I Were Hungry.”

Here was a patriot. He was a man who must feel the pain of the Great Shame.

I have to find him, Frank thought.

That night Frank got home at one.

The living room lights were on, and Marion ran to the door when she heard the truck pull in.

“Jesus Frank, where have you been?” she shouted as he walked up the path. “I called Bill and he said you two had a fight, that you were going to commit to South Beach? I almost called the police I was so worried Frank, you sonofabitch!”

Frank put his hands on his wife’s shoulders.

“Marion, I’m not going South Beach, don’t you worry about that. I did say that to Bill, though and I regret it, and I will call him to apologize when I get back.”

“Get back from where?” Marion asked.

“Marion,” said Frank. “You’ve always understood me, and if there’s anything you know about me is that there isn’t much I care about in this world besides you, Mary and a good meal. So for me to take a stand against something bigger than myself, well that’s a rare thing. Marion you’ve been my wife for thirty-three years, and I swear I love even more now than when I saw you all sweet-looking in your roller-skates at Big Burger back in 1975. My Marion I hope you trust me as much as you always did, because I’ll tell you now and I’ll tell you plain, I have to go to New York City and find a man named Cal Link, and me and him are gonna save this country for the eaters because no one else will. We’re gonna to save America, Marion, by feedin’ we’re gonna save her.”

Marion Madison looked at her husband for a long time before speaking. She lowered her head and sighed.

“I won’t stop you Frank, you stubborn old man,” she said. “But I won’t let you go alone.”

She looked up at him with eyes damp like candied cherries.

“Frank Madison, you are the bravest man I ever have known, and I am proud to be your wife, and I will go with you to New York City and we will find that man. We will find Cal Link and we will save this country, and that is a promise between me and you.”

Frank held Marion in his arms.

“Till diet do us part,” he whispered softly.

“You damn well better not go South Beach on me Frank,” she laughed.

“I never will darlin’ I never will,” said Frank, and he meant it.


***


It was a long haul to New York City, and Frank and Marion stopped in many demoralized truck-stop diners along the way to spread their message of hope through second and third helpings.

Frank had kept a copy of the newspaper Link had written his editorial in.

“Kind of a weird name for a newspaper, The Onion,” Frank said to Marion.

“Probably one of those Gourmet vanity papers,” she said.

536 Broadway was where they stood, looking up at the elegant façade.

“Fancy,” said Marion.

“We want the 10th floor,” said Frank.

Upstairs in the office the secretary met the Madisons with some confusion.

“Sir, you understand that this is a satirical newspaper,” she said, sounding practiced.

“I don’t care what kind of people run it, I just want to see Mr. Cal Link, please it’s important,” said Frank.

The woman calmly repeated herself.

“Sir, I’m afraid we can’t help you. This is a satirical paper. Cal Link isn’t a real person. The story writers would have made him up as part of the joke.”

Deaf to the truth Frank cornered a young man in a blue collared shirt outside the elevator. He held up the editorial page with Link’s tiny photograph on it.

“Sir, please, do you know where I can find Mr. Cal Link, he wrote this editorial in October 2001. Do you know if he still works here? It’s important, we drove all the way from Moundsville, West Virginia.”

The young man laughed.

“Are you guys for real?” he said, sizing up the Madisons.

“Very,” said Marion beginning to lose her patience. “Now can you help us or can you not?”

The young man looked sheepish.

“I think I can, just let me talk to someone,” he said and disappeared into the open office.

He returned a few minutes later with another young man in horn-rimmed glasses.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jamie Cohen. Mike said you guys are looking for Cal?”

“Frank Madison, this is my wife Marion, and yes, we need to speak to Cal Link as soon as possible.”

Jamie looked troubled.

“It’s quite a stroke of luck I found you two,” he said. “I was with the paper back in 2001 when we ran the ‘I Wish I Were Hungry’ piece. It was the only real contributed story we’ve ever run. Normally we use stock photos and made-up bylines, but Cal actually did write that piece. He was the day janitor for our floor, and he’d lost this journal he always had with him. I happened to find it in the Men’s room, and there was the story, verbatim, we didn’t even have to change a word. I asked him if we could run it and he said sure. The whole book was filled with these long fantasies about stuff he’d like to eat, good eating experiences he’d had recently, but what really stood out was that one story about all the things he wished he could be eating if only he wasn’t so full, as if he mismanaged his daily eating like it was balancing a checkbook or something.”

Frank clasped his wife’s hand as Jamie paraphrased Cal Link’s brave eater’s manifesto.

“Is he here?” Frank said reverently. “Is Cal still here?”

Jamie shook his head.

“He quit a couple years ago to work at a restaurant that would give him free meals after hours. I used to go visit him and encourage him to keep writing, because his stuff was good, but Cal was too committed to eating.”

“What’s the name of the restaurant?” asked Frank manically.

Jamie took a few steps back.

“It was an Indian place in Queens called Purna’s, on Roosevelt Avenue.”

“Thank you Mr. Cohen,” said Frank very seriously. “You’ve done your country a service today.”

With that, the Madisons left the Onion writer in his Broadway foyer, and headed to Queens to meet Cal Link— quite possibly the hungriest man in America.


***


Frank and Marion sat at their table at Purna’s. They ordered a full course Indian Experience, and Frank was struggling with the concept of chutney— he found it deeply disturbing. The generic Indian restaurant décor was genuinely exotic to the Madisons. The place dripped hanging beads and the walls were lined with old photographs of Ajanta frescos and Bollywood stars. They were the only patrons so close to closing time, and the kindly white haired owner told them that he would feed them while they waited for Cal to finish his shift.

Frank found he liked most of the food, and Marion was tickled to try goat.

“This here is what I was talking about before,” said Frank, his mouth full of samosa. “Foods of all types and walks of life, eaten without prejudice or restriction. A scorned meal is un-American. Damn un-American.”

After 45-minutes of eating Frank watched the white-haired proprietor pull the ball-chain switch on the open sign. He heard a rattling of plates in the kitchen and then he saw him.

He was thick-necked with a head that lumped up from his shoulders like a big toe with a face drawn on in sharpie. His hair was dark brown and unkempt, with a few strands stuck to his forehead with sweat from the dish-pit. His eyes were half-shut when they were open, but he looked contented rather than lazy. He hung up his apron and tucked a napkin into the low-collar of his faded mauve shirt.

“Hey guys.” he said in a nasal tone. “I’m Cal Link, Mr. Singh said you were here for me. I’m awful sorry to keep you waiting.”

Cal took a seat with the Madisons and looked at their empty plates.

“Then again…” he said smiling.

Mr. Sundeep Singh came over to the table and put his hand on Cal’s tumbling shoulder.

“You’ve worked hard today Cal, what would you like to eat?” he asked.

The expression on Cal Link’s face was something to behold. Even to someone who had never read his magnum opus, it was clear that this was a question Cal lived to hear, and it filled him with the kind of joy that almost brought the stoic eater Frank Madison to tears.

“I think tonight the Lamb Madras with garlic naan and maybe a little of the butter chicken special so it doesn’t go to waste,” said Cal happily. “Thanks an awful lot Mr. Singh.”

Singh smiled.

“He says that every night, as though I might stop feeding him if he didn’t.”

The little man gave a delightful laugh.

“Cal makes sure nothing goes to waste. We are the cleanest and most efficient restaurant in New York, I think.”

Frank looked as though he was in the presence of a saint.

As Mr. Singh went to help in the kitchen, Cal turned to his visitors.

“So what can I do for you folks?” he asked.

“Mr. Link… Cal,” Frank corrected seeing Cal’s disapproving look. “My name is Frank Madison and this is my wife Marion. We’ve come all the way from Moundsville, West Virginia on a matter of national importance.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cal said pleasantly. “Now please, tell me what’s so important that you’d have to come all the way from West Virginia to meet a New York City dishwasher like me?”

“Have you been following the news Cal?” asked Marion, putting stress on the word news.

Cal shrugged.

“I work most nights, and go out to eat on my days off. I don’t really have much time for stuff like that.”

“Cal,” said Frank gravely. “What do you think of Australian food?”

Cal looked perplexed.

“Well, I don’t care for vegemite, but that’s a bit of a stereotype… um… I ate emu once and didn’t really fall for it. I think those Aussie cheese-fries from Outback are pretty good takeout food for TV nights.”

“The Aussies have beat us at our own game Cal,” said Frank. “They took the purest thing we had left. Got their name stuck on the greasiest food in our country Cal, our country. They’re fatter… they’re fatter than we are…”

The words clearly caused Frank pain, and Cal was momentarily speechless.

“My God,” he said. “They… they must be so hungry…”

It was clear Cal was shattered to the very core of his values. Marion knew she had to step in and save the man who could save them all.

“Cal,” said Marion. “Frank found your story in the Onion newspaper. We both read it and came to find you. Jamie Cohen told us where. We need a man like you Cal. America needs a man like you. Your philosophy can help us all, you just need to believe.”

Mr. Singh arrived with Cal’s food, steaming on three ornate platters. As he left, Cal whispered a terrible curse to the Madisons.

“I… I think I’ve lost my appetite…”

There was dead silence at the table. Tabla music drifted in from the kitchen like a heavy sauce.

“Not on your life, Cal Link,” said Marion. “You look at that food in front of you, and you let the smell of it fill your damn lungs and wind its way down to your belly. Let it coax you hungry, let the hunger be all God asks of you Cal. Summon the hunger deep inside you, not because you need it, but because it needs you. Let every mouthful be what God put you on this Earth for. Show His work of food reverence Cal. Let your hunger into our hearts and save us. Eat. You eat that butter chicken Cal Link. Eat it like your life doesn’t depend on it.”

Marion was an inspiration. Cal grabbed his spoon and with his mouthful of spicy Lamb Madras he said:

“Amen.”

Frank looked adoringly over at his wife. They let Cal finish his meal in silence. When at last he wiped his mouth, pulled the napkin from his shirt and pushed his chair back from the table to give his girth room, he finally spoke.

“What do you want me to do?”

Frank had been thinking long and hard about this part of his plan. After watching what Cal could do to a banquet, and after reading and re-reading his gospel lament on hunger, Frank knew why he had come.

“Cal,” he said. “We need you to run for president.”


***


The Link campaign was underway as fast as a flash-fried filet. His independent party was registered with the financial assistance of Mr. Singh and an initial corporate endorsement from Frito Lay. The New American Eaters Party was a patriotic force to be reckoned with. The party’s slogan was a variation on the libertarian adage TANSTAAFL (There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch) but removing it from the context of economic responsibility and putting it back into the hands of the hungry: TANFTTAFL (There Ain’t No Finer Thing Than A Free Lunch).

As a public speaker Cal was inspiring. His campaign was quickly jump-started by record donations from the big players in canola oil and high-fructose corn syrup. He and running mate Marion Madison, with Frank and Sundeep Singh on side, embarked on an Eaters campaign tour of the country.

“Let us use the vast resources of Pennsylvania, home of Hershey's, Tastykake, Utz, Snyder's of Hanover, Peanut Chews, and the cheese-steak,” said Cal in a speech in Philadelphia.

He toured to great support on his promises to sanctify the barbeque— Alabaman, Texan, Kansas City and all indispensable regional varieties. Cal Link pledged pork, perogies and a return to lard and shortening. Lite and lo-cal products were to be banned outright and margarine faced punitive taxation. Fox’s Glutton Bowl would be elevated to national sporting event status, and Michael Powlan would be carted off to Gitmo for food treason.

“Heal us with fatback and country-fried steak,” Cal urged the South. “Make us strong again, as our frontier fore-fathers were made strong on Johnny cakes and fried chicken.”

With the help of Frank and Marion, Cal realized the pulse of the nation ran with a deep hurt at the Australian invasion. He made all the traditional election issues of security, fiscal responsibility, and social welfare fold like a Big-As-Your-Head Burrito back into the issue of hunger and eating.

“We eat alone surrounded by millions,” Cal addressed a crowd in Dallas, in what would later be seen as the keynote speech of his campaign. “We must learn to eat together; to recall the days of the neighbourhood pig roasts, church suppers and knowing smiles shared by diners in the lineups at all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets. I speak to a time of long family meals and potluck suppers. Of pre-Temperance era saloons and the free lunches offered to all patrons for the price of a 15¢ whiskey. There is so much to eat in this great country that it boggles the mind, and cracks any egghead scientist who would dare to put a final count on our gross foodstuffs, as if he could so easily count the hairs on God’s great head. I issue this challenge to the nation: let’s show those Aussie drongos what 300 million united eaters can do! Let’s show the world once again who is first in food and all the glorious effects of eating. Let us sent to the heavens the song of our satisfied chewing, slurping and gulping. I ask you this America: don’t you wish you were hungry?”


***


Frank was amazed at how quickly and seamlessly Cal switched from his campaign persona to the simple soul he had met at Purna’s months ago. It was as though he was possessed when speaking, by a hungry ghost full of angry rhetoric against what it saw as the opponents of eating.

Naturally, no election was ever won on promises and plans alone. Frank and Mr. Singh and a crack team of mudslingers from the collective Fat Industry worked furiously to find ways to discredit Cal Link’s political opponents. They dug up long insignificant dirt on motions supported to limit the use of trans-fats in public school cafeterias and limiting imports of Canadian beef. Where were their hamburger lapel pins? The mainstream media quickly devoured this point. Were the candidates unaware of the national tragedy, which could be so easily reclaimed by a simple pin in the lapel?

“You seemed happy enough to freely tuck into a pulled-pork sandwich at the Arkansas State Fair, Mr. Obama,” said Cal on supporters’ Ham Radio. “But where is your hamburger pin sir? Where is the proof that you love that freedom of eating you so regularly exercise? Show it to America sir, because my pin’s been over my heart since day one.”

“Would you vote for a skinny tomorrow?” one American Eater attack ad asked. “Size-matters. Approved by the campaign for Link-Madison.”

The maverick status of Cal’s party was no longer an obstacle with all the big money and fury behind it. He was ahead in the polls and the international media was agog. One Australian MP anonymously mailed the American Eater campaign office a bottle of vegemite labeled “learn to love it.”

The campaign called it an act of terrorism and it galvanized the Eater campaign all the more.

After much debate and rebuttal, vote counts, re-counts and accusations of sabotage and electioneering fraud, the results were pushed back and pushed back and announced to the American public on Thanksgiving Day.

For the first time in the history of the American democratic process, an independent party candidate had been elected to the highest office in the land. America had spoken, she wished again to be hungry, and she wished President Calvin Buckminster Link and Vice-President Marion Molly Madison to write the menu.

The celebration at campaign headquarters was a sight to see. The staff anxiously awaited President Link to arrive from a last minute meeting with a group of concerned citizen eaters. No word yet from the Australian consulate. Sundeep Singh and his staff had prepared a sumptuous Indian banquet, as well as every individual foodstuff mentioned in all the speeches Cal had given over the course of the campaign. Frank had gone through all the speeches with a fine-toothed comb, making sure everything was accounted for. This would be a Thanksgiving feast to be remembered for all time.

Plans had already been drafted to win back America’s title of fattest. Novelty McDonald’s burger technology was to be imported from Japan, the Luther Burger was to be made mandatory in all congressional and government cafeterias. But Frank Madison had the personal pride of striking the Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing from the top spot of his old copy of Men’s Health Magazine. They would fry something so utterly butterly, stacked and stuffed that it would make the 2900-calorie appetizer look like bleak, watery fat camp gruel. Frank as the newly appointed Head of the Department of Eats would have to begin talks with Taco Town about government subsidized promotion of the pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag.

That would tip the scales, he thought.

Then Frank looked over at his wife, the new Vice-President of the nation, and realized that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her wisdom, and encouragement.

“Madam Vice-President,” he said. “You’re a good woman.”

Marion grinned.

“Save it till after dinner Frank Madison,” she said winking. “That way I know you’ll mean it.”

Frank again whistled at the gravitas of old Granny’s wisdom.

At that moment a campaign stalwart burst into the room.

“He’s here,” the young woman said. “President Link is here!”

The team hurried to prepare the edible confetti.

Minutes later, in strolled Cal Link, in thong sandals and an Armani suit with a silk tie patterned in spaghetti and meatballs. He seemed surprised for the sugar-pressed confetti that rained down on him from above, and the jubilant cheers of his campaign staff and new friends.

Frank was the first to run forward and shake the new president’s hand.

“We did it Cal, God bless you, we did it! America is ours again!”

Sundeep Singh gestured to the vast table and its Thanksgiving spread.

“We whipped you up a little something Mr. President,” the little man said with a grin. “What would you like to eat?”

But Cal Link seemed somehow not himself. He stared at everyone assembled; he stared at the food with something like sadness in his eyes.

“Oh wow, everybody,” he said winsomely. “I wasn’t expecting this, I… I had no idea.”

“What is it Cal?” asked Marion. “What’s wrong?”

Cal looked at his right-hand woman with something like cosmic disbelief.

“I… I ate on the plane,” he said. “I had the full-blown gyro platter, I’m completely stuffed to the brim.”

Frank, the kingmaker, tried to hide his smile as he realized Cal was inadvertently repeating the words of his only published editorial— the lamentation of the purest American postmodernism.

“Maybe if I drink a lot of seltzer, I can hurk up some gas and make room. Then, I could at least have a sandwich or something,” he spoke as he had written seven years ago back in The Onion. “Damn this satiated gut!”

Cal walked towards to the table and held up a fat calzone as if it where the skull of Yorick.

“Man,” said the 44th President of the United States of America. “I wish I were hungry…"



Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Fireblight Manifesto



"The license below applies to the iTunes 7.0 release in September 2006:


'You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear, missiles, or chemical or biological weapons.'"



***


So this is an old story about how iTunes' End User License Agreement includes a stipulation about using the software to distribute and design WMDs.

I'm sure what they are referring to is encrypting data in mp3s which can be pieced together into bomb plans and the like, but the immediate reading of the clause is more like 'what the hell?'

So imagine then, if a dissenting citizen of the Internet recorded a EULA violating podcast, instructing listeners on the finer points of developing, designing, manufacturing or producing nuclear missiles, or chemical and biological weapons.

What if they were to find themselves up against Apple's corporate secret service?

Read on.


***


The Fiction

The Fireblight Manifesto



“So what’re you in for?”

“Tax evasion.”

“Rough.”

“Yeah. You?”

“I used iTunes to develop a biological weapon.”

“Didn’t you read the license agreement?”

“That’s pretty much why I did it.”


***


Ripley Thompson was a software engineering student at the University of British Columbia and a writer for the campus tech rag USB. Ripley was that magically youthful combination of smartass and idealist that by necessity landed in him in trouble proportionate to his good intentions. He read Ad Busters magazine and “culture jammed.” He stenciled quotes from Foucault over L’Oreal billboards and wrote scathing columns in USB about Apple Computers and copyright law.

He was smart and precocious as hell.

It was the end of his spring semester and Ripley was researching a story on End User License Agreements in the single room USB office at the UBC student union building. The Editor-in-Chief Karl Sax was line-reading his editorial and two writers were sitting on the wide tan couch discussing the finer points of Firefox versus Opera.

“Fuck me,” said Ripley in disbelief as he scrolled.

“Prior engagement Rip,” chided Marco from the couch. “Sorry amigo.”

“I don’t believe it,” said Ripley.

“Seriously guy, check my iCal. This Friday is Godzilla-thon at the Savant and I’m taking hot Amy.”

“Really?” asked Karl.

“Really Godzilla-thon or really date with human female?”

“Really Godzilla-thon,” the bald editor clarified.

“Yeah, Godzilla vs. Biollante, King Ghidorah and Space Godzilla, and after we’re going to Nolan’s to watch a bootleg of that North Korean Godzilla rip-off.”

“Didn’t they kidnap the director and his wife to make that movie?” asked Phil, the other writer on the couch.

“Damn right, and original Godzilla-suit actor Kenpachiro Satsuma played the titular monster Pulgasari, and said he also said he preferred it to that steamer of an American Godzilla,” said Marco.

“ Guys,” said Ripley. “Forget Godzilla for a second.”

The staff turned to Ripley at his laptop.

“Ever actually read once of these terms of service agreements when you install an update or a new program?”

The three geeks shrugged their shoulders.

“Waste of time,” said Karl.

“Waste of energy,” said Phil.

“Waste of corneal surplus,” said Marco.

“Nice,” the other two said in unison.

“Fine, do you use iTunes?” asked Ripley.

“It came with my machine,” said Karl.

“I dabble,” said Marco.

“I… use Linux,” said Phil.

“Asshole,” said Marco.

“Listen to this then,” Ripley said.

“You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear missiles, or chemical or biological weapons.”


There was a pause.

“I downloaded some Anthrax songs from the iTunes music store,” said Marco. “Does that count?”

“Only if you put them on a gig stick and mail them to a government office,” snickered Karl.

“Yeah, what about Napalm Death?” laughed Marco.

“Or… or Elton John’s White Lady White Powder,” attempted Phil.

Marco looked incredulous.

“I’m serious guys, are you seeing the implications here? I mean how ridiculous are the times we live in, when we get marching orders with our music player that make us promise we’re not going to use their software to recreate the Manhattan project, and yet anyone can walk into a handgun mart in Jonesboro, Georgia and pick up 10 .45s without so much as a suspicious look cast in their direction? What’s next?” Ripley yelled. “Is iTunes going to rename my Shared folder Freedom Files?”

“Dude calm down,” said Marco. “It’s just legalese.”

“No,” said Ripley. “It’s a despotism of whispers you never hear, but that implicate you in court if you do anything to the contrary.”

“Save it for the exposé,” said Karl, languidly busting typos.

“Amen,” said Marco.

“I see,” said Ripley, indignantly closing his laptop and wrapping the cord around his fist like a bike chain for a rumble.

“Phil what are you writing this week?” Ripley asked.

“Uh, I’m reviewing the new Heroes of Might and Magic,” Phil said.

“Marco?”

“Timeline and mirror sites for celebrity sex tapes,”

“The hell you are,” said Karl. “I told you I want 600 words on the new page blocks for WoW on the library computers.”

Marco stroked his sideburns.

“Wonderful,” said Ripley. “Truly, a bastion of intrepid reporting.”

“We’re a 10-page student tech paper Ripley,” said Karl. “We don’t even have half the funding of the Ubyssey for Christ-sakes. Leave the grand world-changing reportage to the big guys.”

“Right, leave it to the big guys. I’m sure the tobacco industry does a swimming job at self-regulation, just like American power-lines in Africa weren’t built to collapse, and how the McDonalds Burger Time-Tribune continues to find hamburgers 100% delicious!”

With that, Ripley slammed the USB door behind him, an indignant podcast stirring in him like freshly picked McIntosh in a blender.


***


“Fireblight is a contagious disease effecting apples, pears and other members of the family Rosaceae.”

Ripley continued reading the wiki and found the following line especially appealing:
“Under ideal conditions, it can destroy an entire apple or pear orchard in a single growing season.”

This would be his fake pathogen.

While his indignation was still fresh and firm, Ripley wrote his schematics.

1. Nitrogen

2. Boiled cotoneaster


He clattered out various instructions on how to distill liquid fireblight from common and otherwise benign household items.

3. Pine-Sol

4. Amygdalin cyanogenic glycoside (crushed up apple seeds)


Everything was tossed together on the fly, with a few moments of wikipedia research. The ingredients and parts per portion were typed into a rough script on Ripley’s laptop. Like a science-fiction writer, he had imagined for the world a new path of destruction— a new bio-chemical hazard to add to the fear of anthrax, botulism toxin and dirty bombs.

Like many science-fiction writers Ripley was doing so satirically. He wanted to thumb his nose at the computer company whose corporate practices and slick veneer he so loathed. His microphone was ready and he began to read:


It was a Swiftian keystroke in the Anarchist Cookbook— a harmless lampoon of legal and corporate culture.

Like most science-fiction writers, Ripley was doomed to be misunderstood.


***


That weekend the Savant Theatre’s Godzilla-thon proved an epic win for Marco and the staff of USB. After more than the recommended daily dose of kaiju, Marco, Phil, Karl and hot Amy headed to Nolan’s apartment to watch some low-tech North Korean propaganda flail in a rubber suit.

“Point of fact,” said Marco who had been attempting (successfully) to impress hot Amy with his esoteric monster knowledge all night.

“The Godzilla roar we heard roughly eight hundred times tonight was created by rubbing the strings of a contrabass with a leather glove.”

“Wow!” said hot Amy as the foursome headed down the street towards Nolan’s place in Dunbar. “How do you know all this?”

It was from time spent with Internet trivia sites, undistracted by the attentions of girls like hot Amy.

“Natural talent,” said Marco his thick blonde sideburns pushed out in a grin.

Karl rolled his eyes at Phil.

“Actually it was a resign-coated leather glove,” said a voice from the front step of Nolan’s building.

It was Ripley.

“Ifukube also created the sound of Godzilla’s footsteps by hitting a kettle drum with a big knotted rope,” he said, standing while pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Who’s that?” whispered hot Amy to Marco.

“He’s a world-class asshole who works at the paper with us,” said Marco. “Ripley, don’t you have a meeting of the Uptight Citizen’s Brigade?”

Ripley smiled and winked at hot Amy.

“Pulgasari was just too tempting to pass up,’ he said.

Marco’s date blushed.

So did Phil, but no one noticed.

As they rang Nolan, Karl took a moment to talk shop with Ripley.

“Hey Rip, I got hold of a memo that went across the campus security desk a few nights ago. Something about flagged surveillance of the campus network. Maybe they caught someone downloading kiddie porn or bomb plans, or something. Maybe it’s nothing, but you should look into it. If we scoop this story maybe we can raise our profile a bit around campus.”

Ripley snickered.

“Someone probably just Googled ‘terrorist’ and Bob’s your uncle. This is exactly what I was talking about at the office on Monday. Why do we need to be under glass in our own so-called institutions of higher learning? Who has the moral precedent here? Why are we so scared, man?”

“How and Why are luxuries for after Where and When,” said Karl dismally. “If you have time.”

“How depressing are you?” sighed Ripley.

He put his hands in his pockets and caught Marco’s eye looking back at him.

“Hey Amy,” said Ripley grinning wolfishly. “What did you think of Biollante?”


***


Ripley walked home to his dorm-room with hot Amy’s number written on the back of her Savant ticket stub. He had no intention of calling her; he just wanted to stick it to Marco.

This was how they played.

The late spring night was balmy and damp. Ripley tucked his hands in his jeans pockets and hid his mouth and nose behind the high collar of his grey windbreaker.

New lanterns made to look old lit the way to Gibson House where he had a single room on the top floor. Inside in the foyer, through the heavy black door there was a campus security officer and a plainclothes cop talking to the student receptionist. As Ripley checked his mailbox the redhead behind the desk nodded conspiratorially.

“Ripley Thompson?” asked the cop.

Ripley shuffled envelopes and didn’t look over.

“So I’m told,” he said.

“I’m going to ask you to come with me sir,” the officer said walking to Ripley. The campus cop moved to the black door.

“Why would that be?” asked Ripley.

“We can discuss that in the car Mr. Thompson.”

“We will discuss that at present,” Ripley said defiantly. “What have I done?”

“Don’t make a scene Ripley,” said the campus cop.

“Don’t get confused and think you’re a real cop Dave,” said Ripley.

“You’re being investigated as a security threat and that’s all I’m going to say here,” said the real cop. “You can come with us to my car, or I can cuff you, if you want it that badly.”

“Sic semper tyrannis,” said Ripley, flipping off the officer.

In handcuffs then, he went to the car and on into the long night to the station.


***


In the room there was a table. There were also two chairs. There was also Ripley and he was still in handcuffs. They were snug enough to hurt if he fussed. No surprises there. He sat in one of the chairs in glaring light and was made to wait. In what was probably past due time, the cop who’d arrested him came in with a more authoritative man in a svelte suit. No white sleeves rolled up; no holster; no leaning on the chair back like a maverick and talking the kind of tough only people with staff writers talk. The interrogation skirted all the stereotypes Ripley was expecting. As much as he resented authority, he had little experience with it.

The man in the suit held a covered lab flask in his hand, which he put on the table and rapped his fingers on the top.

“Mr. Thompson,” said the suit. “Can you tell me what this is?”

Ripley looked at the strange amber liquid.

“A urine sample?”

The cop who’d arrested Ripley shot him a magnum hard look, telling him to play ball.

“This is fireblight, Mr. Thompson. Created exactly to your specifications,” the suit continued.

Ripley laughed. He couldn’t help it. It was like he’d gone through airport security with a plastic sword and been tackled.

“You aren’t serious?” Ripley asked rhetorically. “Pop the cap, let me smell it.”

Both men looked surprised.

“Is that wise?” asked the cop, more to Ripley than his associate.

“Sure slide it over,” said Ripley as nonchalantly as if he were asking for a drink sip from a friend overly concerned with cooties, and cootie-having.

The suit did just that, and Ripley played sommelier.

It smelled equally pungent and refreshing, like a pine-polished ornamental shrub garden with a heady finish of apples bobbing in an old mop bucket.

“You sure you guys got cotoneaster, because I’m detecting just the faintest soupcon of elderberry here,” he said tauntingly.

The suit ignored him humourlessly.

“I assure you, our lab followed the exact specifications of your terrorist manifesto.”

He put grave strain on the forbidden word. Ripley was completely unused to being taken so seriously.

“Mister, did you actually listen to the Fireblight Manifesto?” he used the same strain the suit had.

“The whole thing is a jab at Apple Computers. I was blowing off steam. It’s a prank, I mean, don’t drink that shit; there’s nitrogen and Pine-Sol in it, but seriously this is not an elixir of… terrorism,” Ripley said the last word in a stage whisper.

“This is my way of calling Apple on their horseshit EULA pandering to the two-bit fear-mongers who seem to be running more and more of the show. Don’t tell me you guys shit yourselves when you read: “Falling Down Laundry Chute And Breaking Neck Remains America's No. 548,221 Killer” at The Onion last week? Jesus, seal them up! Seal the laundry chutes! Don’t let your child become a statistic of laundry chute-falling-neck-breaking-terror. Strong-arm the hotels, banish the naysayers, revise the histories and strike Chutes & Ladders from our collective memory. Don’t consent to relive the terror, because then the laundry chutes and laundry chute installation guys win! By Jesus remove all the coloured chalk from the classrooms!”

When Ripley had finished his rant there was a long silence in the interrogation room. The suit smiled.

“Did you get that Officer Gates?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” said the cop.

“Then please sign witness here,” said the suit, drawing a pen and folded legal-looking document from his inner pocket.

“Yes sir,” said the cop with unconcealed satisfaction.

“What’s going on?” asked Ripley. “What are you signing, man?”

He looked at the suit who collected the signed document and returned it to his pocket.

“You aren’t a cop, who the hell are you? What’s going on? I have a right to know what’s going on?”

“Get on your feet,” said Officer Gates. “We’re keeping you overnight in the tank.”

“What the hell for?” demanded Ripley.

The cop grinned.

“We’ll call it mischief.”

The suit opened the door and turned back to Ripley.

“One of my associates will be here to greet you tomorrow Mr. Thompson. We’ll play the rest by ear,” he said.

“Play what?” said Ripley, more and more panicked. “What’s going on? What going to happen to me?”

The suit smiled.

“You’re being extradited.’


***


The night for Ripley passed sleeplessly. His mind raced with thoughts of water boarding and airlock defenestration— his own sudden reality of imprisonment bleeding into the episode of Battlestar Galactica he’d watched recently.

Whoosh.

The morning finally came and Ripley snapped from his trance by the sound of rattling on the bars, tin cup-style.

“Rise and shine,” said Gates, rapping his stick on the metal. “Someone’s here for you.”

Ripley quickly snapped back into reality.

“What about my phone call?” he said, still trying to cling to indignation in spite of being scared shitless. “I legally get my one phone call.”

“Special provisions. You’ve been extradited into the hands of a US special interest group. I’m afraid we have no authority over this, son. Your legal, charter and subsidiary rights are void in this special arrangement,” Gates said, with an almost untraceable pity for the kid in the cell.

“Special provisions?” moaned Ripley. “What kind of impossible Patriot Act bullshit is this? Are you still convinced I’m a fucking terrorist? It was a joke! No one was hurt right? No one drank the shit or sabotaged a water cooler or anything right? We are still in Canada aren’t we? Who the hell has the kind of power to swing special provisions?”

“We do,” came a voice from the door.

Standing with her arms crossed gracefully was a Japanese woman with a severe, glossy bob and a pantsuit every bit as pale grey as onset rigor mortis.

She handed a document to the struck Officer Gates.

“I’m here to see to the transfer of the prisoner,” she told him.

“A…any additional identification?” asked Gates weakly.

The woman stared him down with eyes the inherited colour of frostbite.

“Right then,” Gates managed. “Everything has been cleared with the Chief. He’s all yours.”

“I’m all whose?” pleaded Ripley.

The woman turned her frostbite on Ripley, and it stung.

“I’m not authorized to converse until Mr. Gold has informed you of your situation. You’ll meet him when we arrive at Pinova.”

“This is unbelievable,” said Ripley to himself.

“Where the hell is Pinova? I’ve never heard of it.”

The woman smiled coldly.

“Precisely.”

Officer Gates opened the cell door, and stood back. Ripley didn’t move.

“C’mon kid, hands forward. Nothing’s going to make this easier than cooperating.”

All the fight in Ripley was gone— leeched out of him by the cold metal bars, and the mystery woman’s vicious suit and sub-zero eyes. He plodded forward and held out the hands that had typed the Fireblight Manifesto. They were duly cuffed and Ripley was led to a car with tinted windows in the lot behind the station.

The driver was leaning up against his door, finishing a cigarette. He wore a suit just as severely tailored as the woman’s, but white as a truce. The driver flicked away his unfinished cigarette as Ripley, Gates and the woman approached. He tugged at his fingerless driving gloves and opened the backdoor for the two.

With his cropped blonde hair and long chin, the driver was the spitting image of Marco, grown-up and bulked-up. The likeness made Ripley all the more aware that he was being extradited in handcuffs to a country he’d never heard of before. He was very small and lonely.

“That’s the kid?” asked the driver. “He doesn’t look like much.”

“Make no mistake,” said the woman. “He’s who we want.”

The driver shrugged and closed the door for Ripley and the woman. It seemed more like an act of courtesy than an obligation. He gave the perplexed Officer Gates a lazy two-finger salute off the raised eyebrow and got in the car, headed, as it seemed for Pinova.


***


Ripley was blindfolded when the car reached its stop some hours later. The two slick suits and their prisoner exited the car into a place of great activity.

Ripley heard unison boot marching, and garbled speaker announcements from voices of obvious authority. Conversations were being conducted in some shorthand military code Ripley couldn’t understand. Eventually he was urged, still blind and cuffed, to walk with his captors.

He heard helicopter blades frantically slicing the air and pounding him with ribbons of wind. The engines of powerful aircraft geared up massive sounding pinwheel turbines. He felt himself ushered into a small vehicle and driven out of the noise, to a place minutes away that still echoed it, but felt much more still.

He heard the woman speak in a language he didn’t understand. Was it Arabic?

Suddenly his feet were moving up plane stairs and through skinny aisles to a seat.

“Where am I? Where are we going? Ripley asked.

“Pinova kid, don’t you know anything?” came the voice he recognized as the driver’s.

“Who the hell are you people?”

“Sosumi didn’t even introduce herself? Rude. My name is James. James Grieve. Sounds dire I know, but don’t worry about it okay? When we get to Pinova, Jona will explain your situation. Let’s just say I’m glad I’m not you.”

“I think you’ve said quite enough,” said the woman called Sosumi. “Let’s just sit quietly until Mr. Gold briefs the prisoner.”

“Christ, I’m the prisoner now,” said Ripley. “Are you the new number two?”
James laughed. Sosumi sat silently. Ripley could perfectly imagine the look she was giving the two of them.

The plane began to move and soon they were in the air, pointed towards Pinova. Sosumi removed Ripley’s blindfold and placed his glasses delicately back on his face. It was not an act of kindness, just practicality. As his eyes blinked away the fuzz, Ripley focused in on the lavish cabin. Soft leather seats, cool white plastics, he felt like he was trapped inside a flying Mac shipping box.

“How come I’ve never heard of Pinova?” Ripley asked James.

“How come I’ve never heard of Ripley Thompson? Pinova is on a need-to-know basis is why,” said James. “The people who know about it either work there, created it, or are just passing through on their way to Braeburn.”

“You forget yourself,” said Sosumi sharply. “Mr. Gold will brief the prisoner personally. It’s not your place to reveal sensitive information.”

James rolled his eyes.

“Fine, let’s talk about something harmless,” James said plainly.

“Tell me Ripley, do you like Godzilla?”


***


After discussing the finer points of the canonization of the American Godzilla as a kaiju punching bag for the real Gojira, James and Ripley sat again in silence. Ripley closed his eyes and woke some hours later. Sosumi and James were in the same position they had been when he closed his eyes, like manikins on Savile Row.

“Almost there,” James said, looking at no one in particular.

The plane crossed over a coast, bristling with lavish development— retorts and docks jutted out like strange toothbrushes. Islands made to look like palm trees, gave way to islands that looked like the world, which after minutes further out onto the Persian Gulf, gave way to an island that looked like a giant symmetrical McIntosh apple with a perfectly curved bite taken out of it. Another tiny, eye-shaped island rested in the rolling curve of the McIntosh’s top, tilted in the thin channel of water at one o’clock. The apple’s leaf/stem was a radar relay station, and the body a white walled compound complete with its own runway, helipad, and power grid.

The touch down was rough, and as the small plane roared to a halt Ripley found himself at a loss for all the questions and demands that would have normally swelled up in his throat.

James looked at Ripley and raised his eyebrows, his fingers pantomiming snipping scissors across his tongue. Ripley just stared in a blank frowning shock. He had no reactions. He had just been detained, absolved of his civil liberties, and extradited to a virtual Bond-villain fortress of the coast of Dubai, all within the span of 24-hours. He had no reactions.

James and Sosumi led Ripley out of the plane and onto the island proper. A military-grade golf cart on steroids shuttled the three through the compound’s guarded gates, robotic eyes probing their vitals with various invisible beams. Everything, from the fortifications to the sculpted gardens inside, was white and streamlined. The vast corporate logograph on the anteroom floor, like the island’s shape itself suddenly hit Ripley as hard as the air conditioning.

The plane, the fort: no wonder Ripley had felt like he was in a Mac box. It’s because he was. This is all their stuff, Ripley thought. I’m literally a prisoner of Apple Computers.

Shuttered doors opened before them with a hiss, and out walked a man familiar to Ripley. The original suit, the man who’d procured Gates’ witness to Ripley’s confession about fireblight. Flanked by James Grieves and Sosumi, the man walked forward, his suit the cold, coal black of a Great White’s eyes.

“Mr. Thompson,” he said with a trilling tenor. “My name is Jona Gold. Welcome to Pinova.”


To be continued...


[Disclosure: lovingly written on a Mac]

Monday, June 9, 2008

Cranberry Glass



The Truth
(via The Associated Press)

"The man who designed the Pringles potato crisp packaging system was so proud of his accomplishment that a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the iconic cans.


Fredric J. Baur, of Cincinnati, died May 4 at Vitas Hospice in Cincinnati, his family said. He was 89. Baur's children said they honored his request to bury him in one of the cans by placing part of his cremated remains in a Pringles container in his grave in suburban Springfield Township.

Baur requested the burial arrangement because he was proud of his design of the Pringles container, a son, Lawrence Baur of Stevensville, Mich., said Monday.

Baur was an organic chemist and food storage technician who specialized in research and development and quality control for Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble Co."

***

This quirky bit of news was all around the Internet last week, and it got me thinking of other iconic products inventors might be buried in.

The Coca-Cola bottle was the first and most eminent thing to come to mind. According to Wikipedia the bottle was created by Earl R. Dean for a national competition. He based his initial design on a cocoa pod he'd seen in an encyclopedia.

So imagine a knock off on that iconic bottle, but what if the inspiration didn't come from an encyclopedia, and what if the inventor was buried in the bottle out of shame, not pride?

Shame, and protection from zombies...

This story really ran away with me, and clocks in at just under 9000 words. So do bear with, and enjoy a tall tale of twisted desire where commodity fetish meets voodoo fetish. The Serpent and the Rainbow meets The Legend of Sleepy Hollow in a phony town in Indiana, with a bit of tongue-in-cheek product displacement...


***

The Fiction

Cranberry Glass


Stephen Davidson Cranberry lived and worked in glass. In fact, he died and was buried with his ashes sealed in a glass bottle. This was something no glass gaffer, resident of Terra Firma, Indiana, or in the grand scheme, any other human being before him had done. Being buried in a glass bottle isn’t as unusual as you’d expect, but Cranberry was granted exclusive rights to be buried in a trademarked and patented bottle, which he’d invented to help make a soft drink company world-famous. His life’s work had been that patent bottle design, and on his deathbed his only terrified wish was that he was buried in it, since he knew it to be true in all his boney frame that he was cursed.

Cranberry worked for the Harde-Knox Glass Company in Terra Firma, where he’d been born and raised God-fearing. As a man, Cranberry carried himself like Ichabod Crane, on spindly legs to match spindly arms covered by chronically short sleeves. He was a frail boy and took to modeling to avoid the sunshine. When both of his parents died in 1910, 18-year-old Cranberry shined his shoes, covered his goosey neck with a starched white collar, and left the family home to get a job blowing glass for Chauncey Knox and Whitman Harde at their glass factory.

Cranberry worked at Harde-Knox for seven dusty years, and became the company’s designer for specialty pieces— perfume and apothecary bottles and such. It was easy work for Cranberry who modeled most of his designs on his own long-necked, Alembic proportions. “If I were a bottle” was a tune he had invented, and hummed along in his head while he worked.

Then one hot day in July there was a terrible accident on the Harde-Knox assembly line and eight of the company’s young workers were maimed by molten glass. Whitman Harde was beside himself with grief, but Knox settled the labour half of the problem by hiring a migrant family of Haitians to come and work at the factory…


***

Cranberry stood on metal scaffolding that wound along his watchtower-style office on the factory grounds. His spindly arms hung over the railing as he watched the Haitians arrive. He counted them as they slumped out of the company truck to be greeted by Chauncey Knox. There were eight of them, with hard, dour faces. The father was tall and muscular. His head and face were cleanly shaven, and his dark skin shone with sweat from the tight ride. He held a wide straw hat in his hands that was frayed at the brim. His wife stood next to him wearing a simple, shapeless cotton dress, cut to the calf. Her hair was about an inch on all sides. There were four boys, two sets of twins, teenaged and strong. The daughter, Cranberry guessed, was about six. He wondered what kind of work she’d be able to do. On that line, Cranberry would have wondered what work the hunched grandmother would be able to do— he would have wondered if he didn’t feel so unsettled looking at her. The old woman had bare feet and mottled white hair. Her eyes were glassed over almost milky, like some myopic cavefish. All these things disturbed Cranberry, but his eyes were drawn to the curious object she wore around her neck. From that distance he couldn’t make it out. He would have to get closer, a prospect he didn’t look forward to.

The Haitians were put up on the factory grounds in a creaky wooden longhouse shack near the big smokestack. The boys were set to chopping wood for the boiler; the father learned the bellows in the production room; the mother blew the glass for Cranberry’s new designs and the daughter and grandmother worked as a carving team, etching seal stamps for cordial vases and wine jugs. They worked hard for a song and didn’t question Knox’s orders. It was a real coup for the Indiana businessman. His partner on the other hand was seen less and less around the factory, still stricken with grief over the accident.

After a few weeks, Cranberry told himself that going down to talk to the new workers was the proper Christian thing to do. He paced around the office for a quarter-hour working up the nerve. Finally he headed down the scaffold around lunchtime and walked over to the longhouse shack where the family was eating their midday meal.

“Hullo there!” Cranberry shouted as he came up on the wood lot where the boys had left their axes. Eight heads looked up from around the stew pot and quickly looked back.

“I’ll tell ya, whatever you folks are cookin’ smells a good lot better than what I ate for lunch,” Cranberry said with an affected jovial accent.

The Haitians continued their thick stew in silence.

Cranberry thought maybe his timing had been wrong, that maybe he shouldn’t have bothered the hard-working family on their one daily break. Still, he had come this far. He walked over to the father who had finished his lunch and was smoking a hand-carved pipe.

“That’s a handsome pipe, friend,” said Cranberry. “Did one of you all carve it?”

The father blew a smoke ring in the direction of one of the twins.

“Heem,” he said with a deep accent.

“Well aren’t you a talent,” said Cranberry smiling at the boy who said nothing in response.

Cranberry tried his last trick and held out the book he’d been holding at his side.

“Figured I’d make you all a present of the Bible,” he said.

The good book stayed hanging in the dead air for a handful of long seconds.

The father wiped the sweat from his head with a kerchief.

“Can’ read,” he said. Then after a pause, “But Gran likes books.”

He took the Bible from Cranberry and put it at the old woman’s feet while she stirred the pot, trance-like.

“Here you go Gran,” said the father. “A present from the boss here.”

The old woman nodded and set her milky eyes on Cranberry.

“Mesi,” she said in Kreyol and went back to stirring the pot.

Cranberry felt pleased with himself, and thought a formal introduction was in order. He was nervous being referred to as “boss” since it sounded like too much was expected of him.

“The name’s Cranberry,” he said. “Stephen Davidson Cranberry.”

The father sighed at the imposition of revealing himself to Cranberry.

“My name is Jean-Baptiste,” he said.

“Fine name indeed,” laughed Cranberry. “What about your lovely wife?”

“Marie,” he said.

Cranberry looked surprised, expecting the woman to answer for herself. Maybe she didn’t speak English, he thought.

“And the children?” Cranberry asked.

Jean pointed to the older twins, who stood up and walked back to the wood lot.

“Samdi, Samdi Dez.”

The younger two jumped up playfully and flexed their muscles like they were posing for a gag photo.

“Demen, Demen Dez.”

He swatted at them with his straw hat and they squealed off to join their brothers.

“Little Madi,” he pointed to the daughter with his pipe stem. “And Gran, who you know.”

“Her name is Aswe, but just call her Gran and she like you,” Jean-Baptiste smiled freely for a moment, but caught himself and stood up seriously with his arms crossed.

Cranberry was looking down at Gran. His eyes had caught sight of the necklace he’d seen earlier from the scaffold. It had an entrancing oblong shape— a fluke symmetrical blob of a seedpod of some kind.

The old woman turned her head and saw Cranberry staring at the thing. She quickly hid it in her hand and with surprising speed, picked up the Bible and ushered little Madi back into the longhouse to carve.

Cranberry began to wonder if he had done something to offend.

“Mista Cranberrié, you excuse us please for we must get back to work,” said Jean coldly.

He and his wife turned to walk back to the production floor, leaving Cranberry standing in front of the bubbling stew pot wondering what he had done wrong.


***

Word came across Cranberry’s desk fast. A memo from a lawyer for a soft drink firm that was seeking the most innovative bottle designs from across the nation. A bombastic Georgian druggist named Zachariah Wick ran the soft drink company with a shrewd eye for detail and a medicine showman’s flair for marketing and panache. The memo was sent out to all the major glassworkers and bottlers in the country. What they wanted was simple— a bottle with character, a bottle that people could recognize in the dark, a bottle that if broken you could still tell from a moment’s glance what type of bottle it was. In short: a bottle for the ages and a worthy home for Wick’s kola nut tincture.

Cranberry stared at the soft drink missive until it nearly burst into flames. He was a man possessed by the challenge. When the time was finally right he brushed everything off his desk in a sweep of one spindly arm. He pulled out his master-book of design sketches and started in with his pencil, to the tune of “If I were a bottle.”

The pressure had been on in the last few months, since the Haitians had arrived. Cranberry’s relationship with them had not improved, and his Christian patience had become as frayed as the straw brim of Jean-Baptiste’s hat. It was through no real fault of the Haitians, Cranberry knew, and was chiefly the unscrupulous Chauncey Knox who had been making him feel so slighted. The stoic workers had been buried in the kind words of Mr. Knox for so artfully rendering the designs on the latest run of bourbon snifters, with delicate water-lily stoppers. None of that praise had gone to Cranberry, without whom there would have been no snifters at all, at least not suitable for the paying gentry.

He had almost worked himself into a fever measuring the flawless slope of those water-lily stoppers, and with Mr. Harde holed up in his neighbouring estate, Cranberry felt the sting of a spurned son.

It was autumn in Indiana and Thanksgiving was a week away. Cranberry toiled at his desk, eager to win both Harde-Knox and himself the pride of having created the world’s finest soft-drink bottle— the perfect bottle.

Cranberry’s desk was littered with torn-out sketches and graphite dust; nubs of pencils and a small box containing the Waterman fountain men Whitman Harde had given him commemorating his fifth year with the company. Cranberry’s shirt collar was greasy at the neck and his eyes drooped like a sick bloodhound. He hadn’t shaved in a week, and his face was covered in even blonde stubble. Also piled on Cranberry’s desk were dried gourds of all shapes and sizes. This was not festive on his part, but an inspiration to model his newest wave of bottle designs off of familiar shapes in nature— the kola nut the drink was made from was far too blunt. The process was taking its toll on Cranberry. He had begun to ink sad little features on the smooth orange rinds with his Waterman, while singing: “If you were a bottle” to all the gourds, lined up like spurned sons.

He left the office that night at 10:00 p.m. long after Knox and all the other workers had gone home. He clutched his coat around his lanky frame, and his long cricketer’s scarf blew behind him as he crossed the scaffold and the stairs to the ground. He passed the production room and looked up at the great silent smokestack. There was frost on the windows of the longhouse shack and Cranberry wondered how the Haitians would handle the winter. He quickly said a repentant prayer at the wicked thought that they might not survive.

Once he found his perfect design, he would be the favorite son at Harde-Knox again.


***

“Gourds? Gourds!?” roared Chauncey Knox, raging around Cranberry’s office like a cyclone of angry whiskers.

“Boy, what the Devil has possessed you with these gourds?”

‘Mr. Knox, I’m quite confident that the iconic shape we’re looking for is a simple and familiar one. Something from the everyday lives of people. Something friendly and commonplace.”

“And pray, what hopeless ass will want to drink kola nut tonic out of a rotten old gourd Cranberry?” continued Knox. “Gourds don’t make me thirsty, they make me wish they were more useful! The hell’s the use of a gourd anyway?”

“They’re decorative, sir, and if I may, sir, protest your invoking the… Devil’s name so much, sir,” said Cranberry meekly.

“Cranberry, I’d love nothing more than to distill a thousand blazing infernos into a peppy little health tipple and force feed you that fire and brimstone through a folksy, gourd-shaped bottle!” yelled Knox, red in the face. “Wick’s deadline is in fourteen days. I expect some worthy designs from you by the end of the week.”

“Mr. Knox,” said Cranberry. “With all due respect sir, I did win us a valued commission from Brigadier Fisk for those water-lily snifters, and with all due respect sir I was hoping for a bit of recognition for that product line sir, and well, with all due respect sir, when will Mr. Harde be returning to the office?”

Knox set his jaw and gave a blighting look to Cranberry.

“Whitman is still beside himself over those scabby glasswrights who got scalded, and I’m sure you’re aching for his precious pats on the head, but maybe he’ll never come back Cranberry. And maybe if he doesn’t you’ll realize that this is a business, not a family, and if you don’t start seeing the bottom line here, maybe there’s a miserable Haitian tattoo artist out there who will do your job for a roof and three squares!”

With that the big man slammed the door and left Cranberry alone with his desperation, and his gourds.

***

Another fruitless day became another late night, and when Cranberry’s lamp oil finally burned dry he put on his coat and his scarf and walked on home. He rolled a pathetic gourd around in his palm before throwing it fiercely against the factory wall. As Cranberry passed the Haitian’s longhouse shack he saw that the door was open a sliver. He looked a moment back at the split gourd on the ground. His mind raced back to Gran and her mysterious necklace; the engrossing shape; the powerful allure. The perfect contours for the perfect bottle.

But she’d never let me sketch it, thought Cranberry. She recoiled when she caught me simply looking at it.

He didn’t hear any noise coming out of the sliver of open door, so Cranberry shuffled closer to peek without being seen. There was a hanging lamp in the middle of the room, but no bodies in the cots lined up along the wall. Cranberry pushed the door open another crack, quietly enough that it could be blamed on the wind.

No stir.

He strafed across the threshold to see if there was anything on the other side. Not a soul was in the shack.

Cranberry walked inside.

The place was well kept considering the floorboards were rotten when the Haitians moved in. The east wall was lined with cots and burlap blankets, the cast iron pot had been brought inside and was set down in what looked to be a kitchen area. Herbs were strung from the walls in bunches and wild onions and dried flowers festooned small log cutting boards and stump altars. Candle wax hung down the stumps and mock shelves, and deep red stains showed darkly on others. Rabbit fur was nailed to the north wall, along with some other pelts Cranberry couldn’t fix an owner to. Maybe they were out hunting? Foraging? He wondered. He cursed Knox aloud, since the thick bastard probably fed them on whatever chaff was easiest to come by.

This time Cranberry didn’t say a repentant prayer.

He turned to leave but found his eyes drawn to something on one of the cots. It was the Bible he had given to Gran.

He smiled.

Wonder if that old lady actually got some good out of my present, he thought, Suddenly Cranberry felt himself buoyed again by that Christian goodwill he’d been raised on. He instantly regretted all his resentment and suspicion of these poor honest people. He suddenly remembered a passage in Psalms that would be appropriate for the situation. He flipped open the old book and froze, as if the pages had been as cold as ice.

With a knife, someone had cut the perfect contours of an oblong pod deep into the pages of holy book.

Inside those perfect contours, was Gran’s necklace.


***

That night Cranberry couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know what possessed him to steal back the Bible he’d given to the Haitian family, he couldn’t say what exactly had drawn him to possess the seedpod necklace inside. But he needed it, and he had taken it, and now he was a thief.

His conscience ravaged at his internal organs like a weasel, killing in excess of its appetite. Cranberry clutched at the guilt congealing in him like Thanksgiving gravy. He couldn’t hope to sleep, so he sat up in his nightgown and placed the stolen Bible on his lap. He opened it and looked at the pod. It was almost hourglass shaped, but top heavy and bulbous like a tippler’s swollen nose. He picked it out of its crèche in the cut pages and traced his thin fingers along its perfect contours.

He lit a candle at his kitchen table and spread out his auxiliary sketchbook, some fine-tipped pencils and measuring equipment. He traced the seedpod on the page, and scribbled out dimensions and supplementary sketches of girth and form. He wanted whatever bottle he designed from this shape to hold the original allure— this was sacred geometry to Cranberry.

It was long past midnight and he had dozens of sketches from every angle, all Cranberry needed now was to see the thing split, from the inside out. His furious pace of work gave him no time for the remorse of before. No time to consider the growing fault of first stealing then dissecting the sacred property of another person. With a precision chisel and a ball-peen hammer, Cranberry lined up the strike and delivered it with expert force. The thing snapped cleanly in two like a split peapod. The two halves fell onto the table and realigned in perfect opposite— backwards Yin to backwards Yang— empty husks.

The room was suddenly very cold and a stricken terror clutched Cranberry like a wrap of ice. The seedpod was empty—had always been empty— but Cranberry could feel that something had come out.

He poured a small glass of bourbon from a water-lily snifter, one that had been warped. A second.

The liquor warmed his gooseflesh and settled the gnawing of his stomach, the boiling of his guilt. He finished the final drawings with a steady hand. His measurements were precise and the bottle on the page was perfect; a worthy home for Zachariah Wick’s kola nut tonic; a soft drink set for history.

A demented grin spread across Cranberry’s face.

He picked up the split husks of the necklace and held them back together in his hands, then he moved them up and down, like pantomime lips.

“If I were a bottle…” he made them sing.


***

Cranberry left his house just after dawn, with his scarf doubled around his gooseneck and his sketchbook tightly under his arm. He marched across the frosty dead autumn grass to the factory down the old dirt road.

The sun had begun to rise over the eastern fields and the trees and the friendly morning shadows were light blue and chill. He felt as though some slate had been wiped clean, and he could greet the sunrise like it was his first before a new adventure. His coattails clipped in the breeze like schooner sails as he walked through the rusty factory gates.

The grounds seemed oddly still. He expected to see the Haitian women cooking breakfast outside like always. There wasn’t a stir outside the longhouse shack. Maybe they’re cooking inside now that it’s cold, he thought.

When he got to the base of the winding metal stairs to his office, he stood struck.

The light was on inside.

He was certain he hadn’t turned on the electric light last night, and he had left as soon as his lamp oil had burned out. A dire gut feeling suddenly rose in Cranberry.

The Haitians, he thought. Do they know?

He clutched his sketches tighter under his arm.

Impossible, he told himself. A missing Bible and a silly charm, they’ll probably blame one of the twins. They’ll give them a switch hiding and that will be that.

Cautiously he started up the metal stairs, then found himself running. He ran with his book pressed against his chest until he made it to the office door. He threw the thing open and bore inside to set his mind to rest.

The suddenness of his entrance toppled over the man who had been sitting in his chair.

It was Whitman Harde.

“Mr. Harde!” Cranberry yelped and ran to his employer. “Are you alright, sir?”

“I’m fine young Stephen, quite fine,” Whitman said as he brought himself to his feet. “On the outside, mind.”

Whitman Harde wore a purple housecoat, lined at the sleeves and collar with downy, cream cotton. He was quite bald and pronounced in the forehead, and drew attention down to his frameless spectacles that pinched the bridge of his nose. Cranberry had designed those glasses himself.

“You’ve been cooped up some time sir,” said Cranberry. “It’s nice to see you back here and all, but you’ll excuse me for saying sir, you don’t quite seem dressed for work.”

Whitman scanned the items on Cranberry’s desk and paused when he reached the Waterman box.

“Do you get good use out of that pen Stephen?” he asked.

Cranberry lit up. He put his sketchbook down in front of Whitman and opened to the page with the perfect bottle.

“I certainly do Mr. Harde. In fact sir, I came in early to ink over my final sketches. This one. This bottle here is going to win us the kola nut contest sir, I’m dead certain.”

Whitman looked at the sketches, and ran a pale hand along the pencil contours.

“Exquisite work as always Stephen,” he said, detached.

Cranberry stepped forward.

“Sir,” he said trying a confident tone. “What happened to the glass workers wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s. That was an act of God sir, and the best we can do is pray for the maimed to heal with all swiftness, and do our work the best in their honour.”

Whitman looked languidly at Cranberry then smiled sadly.

“You have a good heart Stephen, you were raised well. I wish I could share in your naivety.”

He paused.

“They’re dead Stephen.”

“Sir?”

“All dead. The burns were splintered with tiny shards of Burmese glass from the line… gangrenous necrosis, Stephen. Those poor men watched their limbs die. Half took their own lives before facing amputations. All that. Young journeymen, most. Some younger than you my boy. They never could have worked again those boys…”

“I hate to see you like this Mr. Harde,” said Cranberry. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m tired Stephen,” said Whitman. “Walk me outside would you.”

Cranberry took the old man’s arm and led him back out onto the scaffold. The morning sun was now out in full and the crisp air was filled with commotion. The other labourers were milling around the longhouse shack.

“What’s going on Stephen? I can’t see what’s going on,” said Whitman squinting into the sun.

“It’s the Haitian’s quarters sir, something’s…”

Cranberry never finished his sentence. The gawkers parted from the shack door and the oldest twins exited, carrying a handmade shutter between them.

On it was old Gran. Quite dead.

“Stephen?” said Whitman, grasping.

“It’s the old Haitian grandmother sir,” said Cranberry absently. “She’s dead.”

Whitman Harde stood for a moment on the scaffold, the golden sun on his pale face looked cadaverous. He seemed to nod in agreement to some unseen understanding, and he removed his hand-made frameless spectacles and handed them to Cranberry.

“That will be all Stephen,” the old man said, then raised his arms from his sides and plummeted over the rail like a tin soldier flipped over a bar.

Cranberry screamed.

Whitman fell.

The gawkers turned their gaze in unison.

Chauncey Knox opened his own office window to bellow at the noisemakers, only to witness his business partner dashed on the dirt of their factory grounds like one of Cranberry’s sad-faced gourds.

***

Production had shut down that day. An outside crew had been brought in to collect and scour Whitman’s remains. No one at the factory could bear it, and the Haitians had been permitted to go bury their Gran in a private way.

Cranberry sat in his office and wept. He wept like a son, now three parents behind. When he had dried up, Knox entered the room. It was clear he had been waiting outside. He had a water-lily snifter of Brigadier Fisk’s special reserve, and two glasses.

“Hell of a thing to happen,” Knox muttered under his whiskers as he poured a long drink for Cranberry and himself.

He slid the glass to Cranberry who stared at it bitterly.

“Drink up,” scolded Knox. “It’ll make you feel better.”

Cranberry slid the bourbon down his throat, if only to replenish some moisture.

“Cranberry,” said Knox thoughtfully. “I know you cared a good deal for old Whitman, and God knows I’ve treated you as well as a boot-black’s spit. But you and I are holding this company together now, and what we need is strength and vision to be true for everyone else.”

“It… It was my fault…” Cranberry said weakly.

“Judas Priest, Cranberry will you knock that rubbish out of your skull!” bellowed Knox. “He slipped, it was an accident, an act of God! Now we’re the only brass left to buff this rusty turd of a factory and we have to put on a brave face for the rest of the fluff out there sobbing into their filthy sleeves.”

Cranberry said nothing, but put his empty glass aside and pushed his open book back to Knox.

Knox looked confused, and then the circuits clicked.

“By God, is this it?” he asked.

He stared at the perfect bottle, the contours and proportions listed to the millimeter, rendered in a flawless sketch from a dead old woman’s prized possession.

“Blow my bowels, this is genius Cranberry. I can picture this resting dutifully in the hands of all the drinkers in America! I’ll send a telegram to Wick immediately.”

Knox paused for a second as he saw Cranberry had been staring out the window this whole time. The big man walked over to the goose-necked one and put a thick hand on his shoulder. Cranberry looked up, confused.

“You’re a blessing in disguise young Stephen Cranberry,” said Knox with all sincerity. “This perfect bottle of yours will pull us out of these dark times and put Harde-Knox back on mint.”

He paused.

“I know all that hurt is raw as all hell, but old Whitman would be proud of you, boy.”

Knox took the sketchbook, left the bottle, and Cranberry’s office was again as silent as the grave.

***

Cranberry stayed on site until half-nine. He had listened to the workers clean up old Whitman and dig away all the fouled dirt. Cranberry rarely drank, but tonight he finished the Brigadier’s reserve while he spun the Waterman back and forth through his fingers.

He walked home without passing the longhouse shack. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the Haitians. His weasel conscience tore at him for failing to offer his condolences, but he faced the pain, fearing worse from them.

The night was cold as Cranberry walked the dirt road back to his little house. He walked in a drunken line, ricocheting off the edges of the ditch like a gambling ball. Only yards from his house, he overshot and landed beak-first into the cold ditch dregs. Cranberry wallowed for a few minutes, wheezing the muck out of his nose and throat.

He heard a laugh.

“I hear you bastardly!” Cranberry slurred. “Laugh at a drowning man you say? I’ll boil your head. Show me yourself!”

Cranberry pulled himself to his feet, and wiped the filth from his eyes, ready to point fisticuffs at whatever jester had laughed at his embarrassing fall.

Standing on the edge of the ditch, her hair in hanging braids, was little Madi, the Haitian daughter.

“Bonswa, Mista Cranberrié,” she said sweetly. “Are you lost?”

All of Cranberry’s drunken blustering fell to feathers. He looked with great regret at the little girl.

“M…Madi, sweet little Madi… What are you alone, child? Home is the’other way.”

Cranberry wiggled a thin finger back in the direction he’d come.

“I was looking for Gran,” the little girl said.

Cranberry may have well been in a drunken fight for the force that hit him with. Poor little thing out looking for her dead Granny, he thought. Heartbreaking.

“She lost her cacao, then we lost her,” said Madi.

The shock of the meeting and the chill of the evening air flushed the drunkenness from Cranberry’s pink face. He looked puzzled at the Haitian girl. For all the sadness of the situation, she didn’t look sad.

“Do you miss your Gran, Madi?” asked Cranberry.

She grinned and shook her head.

“No, just working. After supper she come and see me.”

Cranberry felt sick. Poor little thing thinks she sees her dead old Granny, he thought. He was worried he might vomit. Cranberry pulled off his scarf and wound it tightly around Madi’s little neck.

“You run along home,” he said. “Too cold to look for Gran tonight.”

The girl’s eyes lit up as she rubbed the soft scarf against her cheek.

“Mesi! Mesi, Mista Cranberrié. You always give nice presents. I wish the nice book you give Gran was not lost too…”

“Can you read English words Madi?” asked Cranberry.

She scrunched up her face and made a little pinch with her fingers.

“Piti piti,” she said.

Then she waved and ran back down the dirt road to the factory, with Cranberry’s long scarf waving behind her.

***

Some weeks had passed and the mood at the factory was unchanged. Everyone went about work somberly. Cranberry had finally set his nerves and was sketching pipettes in his office, when there was a great bellowing at the door.

Naturally it was Knox and he let himself in like always.

“Cranberry you magnificent bastard! You prodigal son! By Jove I’d love nothing more than to distill all my goodwill and pride into a gracious elixir and gently slide that charmed brew from one of your goddamned award-winning bottles, down your swan-like throat! You’ve done it Cranberry! Your design swept the board— it blew Wick away. Callooh! Callay! We have bottling royalties and everything, by spit-shined Jolly old Jesus, we won my boy— WE WON!”

Exhausted, Knox slumped into a chair, still waving the telegram from Zachariah Wick’s Kola Nut Concern.

Cranberry was elated. He’d done it. He’d done himself proud, and poor old Whitman too, God rest his soul.

When Knox had caught his breath, the big man saddled his chair up to the front of Cranberry’s desk and put his hands on the edges dramatically.

“Now Cranberry, I have something quite serious to discuss with you now,” Knox said.

“Sir?”

“You don’t have to be a witchdoctor to roll your bones and divine that this place has felt like a tomb since Whitman and the old woman met their unfortunate ends. Now this win is our ticket out of a serious slump, and I think we need to make a change. Are you listening boy?”

“Yes, Mr. Knox, go on,” said Cranberry unsure.

“Ghosts are lousy at running companies, and are even more lousy at representing them. This isn’t Tombstone and Ghoulish Glass House Limited, after all. You following Cranberry?”

It was a rhetorical question.

“Now, you know I’ve always thought of this place as a family, rather than a business, and old Whitman and I always thought of you as our foster son. Now that it’s just the two of us, what do you say to the sound of Knox & Cranberry Glass?”

Knox laughed like a hissing boiler and slapped his palms on the desk.

“Congratulations my boy,” he said. “I’m making you partner!”

Cranberry couldn’t imagine a thing to do, but stand. He took Knox’s hand in both of his.

“Good Heavens Mr. Knox, thank you. Thank you sir, I’m at a complete loss.”

“You can flick those formal manners out of you like a wad of ear wax Cranberry, call me Chauncey.”

“Chauncey,” said Cranberry experimentally. “Thank you Chauncey.”

There was a pause.

“What do we do now?” he asked.

Knox smiled and stroked his thick whiskers.

“We start production on those world-famous bottles.”


***

Winter had arrived, and with it, more money than Knox & Cranberry Glass could shake a ski pole at.

Knox had hired some Chinese railroad workers to help on the production floor. When Jean-Baptiste had seen the new bottle he requested to stay on the bellows. Knox was in such a good mood he couldn’t have cared less. He had cheap labour, a niche product, and his name was finally first on the big sign and all the stationary.

Cranberry on the other hand was staring at that same stationary, trying to wrap his head around the fact that his name was on it too. He was in his old office for the last time, packing up his itemized sketches and old leather-bound manuals and industry prints. Knox had bought him a bowler hat, which Cranberry was apprehensive about wearing. He didn’t feel fancy enough for it. Knox insisted he had to keep up appearances for Howard Hertz, Kola Nut’s general counsel, who was visiting the factory tomorrow morning. It would be a grand occasion, but Cranberry felt morose. Tying a tie, shaking hands with lawyers, bearing the ineffable weight of a bowler hat and a name with a sign and a set of stationary behind it.

He poured a drink. Brigadier’s Reserve wasn’t out of place anymore.

He wanted to stay in this dusty nest with his pencils and books. Cranberry had designed the perfect bottle. What now?

He leaned back and closed his eyes. There was a rattling that he thought was in his brain. He slapped the side of his head and it got stronger. It was ascending, a dull thump. He slapped again and it got louder, closer. This was just a coincidence. It wasn’t in his brain. Someone was slowly walking up the stairs to the scaffold.

Cranberry took another drink and the sound stopped for a moment. He held his breath and listened. The plodding continued, monotonous, like a sleepwalking soldier.

Cranberry put on his bowler, he pulled the brim down low, hiding inside. He clutched the glass with two hands.

“Who’s there?” he yelled hoarsely.

No one spoke in kind.

The shuffling step continued around the office, closing the corner of the west wall. There were no windows except in the door.

“Speak! You there!” yelled Cranberry again.

Still nothing.

The new factory co-owner was nervous. There was nothing in the office he could defend himself with: the bourbon bottle? The Waterman? Might blind an adversary, he thought.

Cranberry’s eyes darted back to the door.

There was no lock.

He had no time to push the desk. Cranberry leapt to his feet and wedged the chair under the brass knob. He backed away from the barricade and backwards into the centre of the room, as the owner of the shuffling gait turned the final corner.

Cranberry felt tremors in his thin hands; he pushed them in and out of his trouser pockets. His back finally hit the south wall, and he could see a figure form in shadow in the window. The intruder pressed their hands and face against the glass that read backwards, now outdated: Stephen D. Cranberry – Glassworks & Design.

Cranberry opened his mouth wide and no trace of a scream or a sound at all came out.

In the window was Gran.

It was her— just as Madi had said— only not her. The old woman’s milky cavefish eyes were closed, sewn shut, each with a thick, simple X. Her mouth also, an X at each crest of the lip. She made no gestures, no sound. She just held her face against Cranberry’s door, not quite able to stare.

Cranberry was petrified. He couldn’t bear to watch, and shut his eyes tightly behind the brim of his bowler hat. After a dread pause, Gran moved on. The dead Haitian half-marched, half-shambled several feet back past the stairs then stopped. Cranberry devoted every ounce of himself to hearing— he froze his body and was entirely ears. He heard the rattle of the metal handrail, and again nothing. Then came a thud, swift and blunt like a blackjack. Then after more heady silence, came the steps on the metal stairs.

A deep, dread realization clutched Stephen Davidson Cranberry as he heard the body outside pause again at the metal railing and fall.

She was acting out Whitman Harde’s suicide.

Reliving it again, and again.

Tormenting him.

Cranberry was trapped in his grave cold office, forced to contend with the two deaths that his sins had caused.

Again, and again.

On into the night.

***

When Cranberry awoke he was still in his office. He was huddled behind his desk with a broken bottle of Brigadier’s Reserve in pieces around him. It was well past noon.

Cranberry tried to remember. The night was a long drone of shuffle and thump, of the torturous lead up to a sickening show, like a long mallet dragged towards a horrible gong. He felt the bowler hat pulled tightly below its comfortable rest on his head.

Maybe it had just been a dream, thought Cranberry, pulling tighter into his nook. Maybe I drank too much and my imagination got loose.

The office seemed barer in the light of day, with all its trappings and effects packed into a few simple boxes. Nothing at the factory was like Cranberry remembered, even from the first months the Haitians had arrived. He wished he’d only dreamed being made partner too, but the stationary was there to callously remind him.

There was a quick knock at the door and Cranberry stayed hidden. Someone tried the knob, but the chair was still firmly in place.

“Cranberry?” asked Knox quietly from outside. “You in there Cranberry?”

Cranberry didn’t say a word. He couldn’t face a day of anything. He stayed hidden, until Knox sighed audibly and headed back down the stairs. Cranberry wrapped his loose new coat around him and fell back into restless, running sleep. Trying to escape.

***

Cranberry was eventually driven from his nest by hunger. He had no idea how much time had passed, while he lay hidden in his officious clothes. He smelled the familiar smell of Haitian stew and let it lead him out and down, back into his factory grounds. It was before dusk, and the wind blew empty through Knox & Cranberry Glass, the smoke stack was still and no one was working.

In front of the longhouse shack the elder twins Samdi and Samdi Dez were stirring the pot like clockwork loggers— back and forth, back and forth, in perfect unison. Madi was with them and she waved when she saw Cranberry.

“Mista Cranberrié! Bonswa! Come over!” she yelled.

Cranberry walked slowly towards the girl, his arms were crossed with his hands on his boney elbows.

She’s just a little girl, he told himself, just a sweet little girl. Cranberry looked at the boys who had their eyes fixed blankly on him. He blanched when he remember how good at carving one was.

“Madi,” he said weakly. “I forgot to have my dinner, and your stew smells very good. Maybe I could have some.”

Madi laughed.

“You only want stew? After you give me such a nice thing, and a nice book for Gran? That very simple Mista Cranberrié, like giving gold and taking straw.”

Cranberry was too hungry to feel guilty. Madi held out a wooden bowl and Samdi filled it. Thin carrots and knots of meat bobbed in the steaming broth. The girl gave the bowl and a spoon to Cranberry who was salivating like a summer storm. The hungry man devoured the bowl in big, greedy spoonfuls that scalded his tongue in futile attempts to slow him down.

Madi giggled and toyed with the striped scarf she wore bundled around her. The two boys lifted an iron lid three-quarters over the pot, and left to go inside the longhouse shack.

“Don’t forget your dinner tomorrow Mista Cranberrié,” Madi said when they were alone. “Or maybe you burn a hole in your belly.”

Cranberry sat down on a stump and put the lapped bowl at his feet.

“Thank you,” he said in a sigh. “Thank you very much.”

The sky over the two was red with the setting sun.

“Madi,” said Cranberry cautiously. “I think I saw your Gran last night.”

She smiled as if he’d said nothing surprising.

“Wi, wi,” she said in Kreyol. “I tell you. She goes for walks at night.”

“She seemed very strange,” Cranberry said.

Madi looked sad.

“She don’ talk now. But is better than gone.”

“What happened to her Madi?” Cranberry asked.

“She lose her cacao, and Papa have to change her.”

“Cacao?” asked Cranberry with dread.

“Wi, her necklace. It was magick, like Papa is magick. If Gran don’ have it, she go away, but Papa help her to stay,” Madi said matter-of-fact.

“I think your Papa is frightening, Madi,” said Cranberry.

Madi’s face fell.

“He don’ like you Mista Cranberrié,” she said. “He think you do bad thing, but not me.”

“Where is your Papa, Madi?”

“Gone with Gran and Mama, my brothers are playing,” she said.

Cranberry stood up. His mouth hurt.

“I think I have to leave now,” he said vacantly.

Cranberry began to walk and stopped.

“Madi, did you see Mr. Knox today?”

“Mista Moose-tache?” she said. ”He send other men home, then he don’ come out of his room, like Mista Cranberrié. We all lonely today.”

Cranberry turned on his heel and back towards the factory, to the top floor where Chauncey Knox had his office.

Madi tickled her face with the tassels of the scarf.


***

Cranberry leaned back onto the smokestack, which rose defiantly into the night sky, like a rusty nail daring to be tread on. On the tin factory roof he gazed out over his holdings, and saw them gaze back confused— why was there so much death at a glass company?

Whitman Harde.

Old Gran.

Chauncey Knox.

The fat man still swung in the office just below him. Cranberry clutched the note he had left. The meeting with Hertz had been replaced by a telegram from the Georgia office. The contest had awarded Knox & Cranberry Glass first production run rights of the winning bottle. After that a lottery stipulation clause hidden in the fine print made sure that the trademark was deferred to Wick’s Kola Nut Concern and the affiliates thereof. The perfect bottle was theirs and the contracts to commence mass production had been awarded to more established glassworks and bottling companies, owned by more established friends of the KNC. Knox & Cranberry would be paid for their production line, and the rest was what they called business. Knox had taken the blow as hard as it would take. The first run money from KNC was already spent in double. Knox was ruined. He’d paid the workers out of pocket, looked for Cranberry, and then let himself drop from the office rafters, crunching his neck in a noose like a medicine bottle underfoot.

Now Cranberry was like the groundskeeper of a family tomb, an ossuary of splintered glass bones and vessels of fine liquor. The moon yawned, full behind the spike of the smokestack and cast its light on Knox’s last words on the newly outdated company stationary.

Cranberry held his thumb over the fat man’s name at the head of the page.

Cranberry Glass.

The words seemed pestilent to him. Nothing, he felt had ever been so unwelcome or undeserved. In spite of self-pity though, he would not abandon this failing place. Stephen D. Cranberry would not let Harde-Knox become an epitaph.

***

The days that followed were handled in a bureaucratic trance. Cranberry settled the estates of Whitman Harde and Chauncey Knox with their Terra Firma lawyer. He sold Cranberry Glass to a Scotsman named Cornelius McCray who, on Cranberry’s insistence, changed the name to The McCray Company.

Cranberry had inherited Whitman Harde’s manse a quarter-mile from the factory, where he resolved to settle— at once his new and old family home. The logistical details Cranberry had handled with detached efficiency, he now faced the Haitians.

Cranberry had fortified himself with prayer and a plan to offer the family a severance package that would give them enough to settle, buy land, or move on at their wish with financial freedom.

He still found being on the factory grounds difficult. The walk to the longhouse shack was like a walk to the gallows. The metal stairs to his old office creaked in Cranberry’s mind, as if under the dead weight of Gran or the specter of Whitman Harde.

When he arrived at the weatherworn building there were no signs of life at all. The door was shut and painted on it in a child’s shaky script was the Kreyol good-bye, orevwa. Inside all the Haitian’s effects were gone, the dried herbs and candles, even the iron pot had been taken. The cots remained stripped of their bedding, but in the centre of the stretched canvas was a cold reminder for Cranberry from Jean-Baptiste.

The split halves of the cacao pod.

***

Years past and eventually The McCray Company was bought out by Zachariah Wick’s KNC subsidiary Nouveau-Ko, and produced nothing but Stephen D. Cranberry’s perfect bottles, which were now the instantly recognizable image of Wick’s kola nut soft drink.

Cranberry had remained in Whitman Harde’s Terra Firma manse, and let the thing fall to pieces around him. He lived modestly on the dividends of some re-investments and had become something of a local legend, the stuff used to scare children to bed. Tales of old man Cranberry and his curse, how his old black mansion was filled with shrunken heads in jars, and if you knocked three times at midnight on his old doorknocker, the Devil himself would come stick his boney fingers through your chest, and stop your little heart. The older kids who lived on the dirt road to the factory had a different end to the Cranberry legend. They said they’d seen an old black woman with wild white hair and her eyes and mouth sewn shut. They said they’d seen her shuffling along the Cranberry grounds and circling the old man’s rotting home. Those kids said that if you knocked at midnight it was that horrible old woman who would come and swallow your soul. Some questioned how she could swallow your soul if her mouth was sewn up, but most of the children of Terra Firma were too scared to talk back when it came to the Cranberry story.

One boy whose name was Jacob was an errand boy who delivered food to the Cranberry Manse and took the old man’s mail. He was quiet and mostly kept to himself, but one summer evening when all the kids had gathered for 4th of July fireworks in the field near the Nouveau-Ko Factory, Jacob arrived breathless from the Cranberry Manse.

Before, he’d always left baskets on the front step and knocked once, or taken the mail that was left for him in the box, but tonight as Jacob reached for the knocker, old man Cranberry had opened the door and swept the boy inside.

Red, white and blue fireworks glowed on Jacob’s frantic face as he told the others about the Cranberry Manse and how it was stacked full of old books about strange islands and black magick. Old man Cranberry had thrust a letter into his hand and told him it was of the gravest importance that he take it to the mailroom of the Nouveau-Ko Factory so that it get to KNC legal department as soon as possible.

The children asked what Cranberry looked like, and Jacob said he looked like a pickled goose, all wrinkled and pallid and long in the neck.

They all wanted to know what was in the letter, but Jacob insisted his oath of discretion as an errand boy applied even to the creepiest of old men and the most tantalizing of mysteries.

The next day as soon as the factory gates had opened, young Jacob was there with the letter for KNC legal and another, personal message for the factory owner, Casper Gray. Both were delivered with haste and the last wishes of Stephen D. Cranberry were put in motion.

Exclusive rights were granted from KNC legal and the US Patent Office to craft a single bottle of Cranberry’s original design, only with expanded proportions and an altered composition. A specialist glasswright was commissioned to set the bottle, with trace amounts of gold and stannic chloride to give it a rose-coloured hue. The method was used to create decorative glassware, and it was assumed by all that it was Cranberry’s intent to have a memento of his life’s work before he died.

Jacob knew better. He knew that the colour of the bottle was irrelevant, that the gold and tin was symbolic, to represent wealth and lack— like little Madi had once said— gold and straw. It was an incantation to protect Cranberry from sorcery in the afterlife; he had since ceased believing in God. The bottle, only Jacob knew was a dead man’s urn, not a trophy.

The arrangements had been made, and Cranberry was indeed dead when the bottle was delivered. He had left instructions to be cremated by Dean Root at Terra Firma Funerary, and the ashes were to be handed over to young Jacob Volk who had been given a handsome stipend to fill the bottle with Cranberry’s ashes and bury it without a marker as far as he could walk from the old Harde-Knox Glass Company in a day.

But before Jacob sealed the thing, Stephen Davidson Cranberry had left a rolled up paper document to be packed in with his earthly remains.

It was the only thing he had ever written on Knox & Cranberry Glass stationary, and the “Knox” portion he had inexpertly scratched out with the last legs of an old Waterman pen. In the same ink, Cranberry had written his own epitaph, apology, and message in a bottle to be cast out into the sea beyond:

“So I am a bottle.”